S2: E9 From Fear to Freedom: Adam Boismier's Story of Embracing Discomfort

Imagine going from a comfortable corporate job to diving headfirst into the ambiguous world of passion projects. That's exactly what Adam Boismier, owner of Comfort Via Discomfort podcast, did along with his wife Shelby. On today's episode, I had the pleasure of engaging in a revealing conversation with Adam, as we explored the life-changing power of discomfort and vulnerability. Adam's candid disclosure about his journey from fearing failure to embracing challenges, and how it has shaped him personally and professionally, is a defining moment you don't want to miss.

The conversation takes a poignant turn as Adam opens up about his battle with mental health and a suicide attempt, shedding light on his struggles during university and how accepting failure became his pathway to healing. A strong advocate for open discussions around mental health and vulnerability, Adam's story is a testament to the transformative power of sharing experiences. Together, we delve into the often ignored issue of sexual assault on men, breaking down gender stigmas and promoting the importance of dialogue around such sensitive topics.

As we wrap up, Adam leaves us with some fun and unique date ideas, emphasizing the significance of trying new things and forging connections with like-minded individuals. His journey, founded on embracing discomfort for personal growth, serves as a beacon of inspiration for all listeners. So, buckle up and get ready to be motivated to step out of your comfort zone, embrace discomfort, and embark on your own transformative journey. Tune into Comfort Via Discomfort and witness how dreams can become reality when we lean into the uncomfortable.

Chapters

• 0:22 Building Dreams Through Discomfort
• 9:56 Overcoming Fear and Embracing Discomfort
• 16:40 Stepping Outside Comfort Zones
• 21:48 Fear & Mental Health Challenges
• 27:10 University Struggles
• 34:01 Navigating Mindset and Overcoming Failure
• 42:55 Subconscious Mind and Reading Habits
• 54:00 The Power of Vulnerability and Healing
• 1:03:59 Gender Stigmas and Sexual Assault Awareness
• 1:08:30 Embracing Discomfort and Growth
• 1:18:53 Embracing Discomfort and Growth

Transcript

Tia: 0:22

Hey guys, welcome back to Life with Tia Wolfe. It's been a while since I've seen you guys and today we have a special guest. Adam Beaumier from Comfort Via Discomfort is here with me, and we've been chatting it up for a couple months now and finally our schedules have matched where we can finally record a session together, and I am so excited to bring to you guys this amazing guy from Alabama Well, he's not from Alabama, but he's currently in Alabama and if you guys don't know him, he is the owner of Comfort Via Discomfort, which is a podcast that brings on guests from all over the world that has endured discomfort and use their vulnerability as a way of strength to help inspire others and taking a step towards building their own dreams via discomfort. So welcome, adam. Thank you for joining us today.

Adam: 1:21

Thanks for having me, Tia. I'm really excited to be here.

Tia: 1:23

Thank you. So we're going to get started and you're going to give us a little bit of a background about who you are, how your journey has been and where you got yourself into the podcast.

Adam: 1:36

Yeah, yeah, sounds good. So yeah, I'm from Windsor, Ontario in Canada. I ended up in Alabama because my wife is from New Orleans, so her family's from down here, and the house that we live in now is a property that's been in the family for like 30 years, so we had the opportunity to move here last year. We were living in Boston for a little while and we're just doing things that we weren't super passionate about, so we had the opportunity to quit the jobs that we didn't like, to cut our expenses by a lot and to just really invest time, money and effort into the things that we really love to do. So I started my podcast last year called the Comfort by Discomfort podcast. As you said, I also am a communication and leadership coach, so I deliver communication and team building workshops to executives, managers and their employees in Canada and the US. And then my wife, Shelby, is a full-time photographer, so you can find her at Shelby Bernese Photography. I got to plug that.

Tia: 2:42

P lug her too. Let's plug your wife. It's okay, we are as vulnerable as we could be.

Adam: 2:43

I got to shout her out. yeah, yeah, that's a weird statement but I understand what you are saying. .

Adam: 2:55

Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, so me as a person, I'm really adventurous, I'm really all about trying to build the life of my dreams. So my wife and I are very much in a similar mindset, where it's like we can do whatever we want to do. We can build whatever life we want to build. We obviously have to put in the time and effort, but it's like I don't care if the traditional thing is like this nine to five corporate job and then do XYZ. Me and Shelby are very much like, okay, some of these things, like some of the values and principles within that, sure they make sense, but others were just like no, absolutely not. We don't want to be working until we're 65 and then retiring then to enjoy quote unquote the last like 10 to 20 years of our lives. It's just like how can we build that life now?

Adam: 3:47

And a huge part of our lives is embracing discomfort and vulnerability, and I'm sure that we're going to talk a lot about that today and in terms of my personal story, embracing discomfort and vulnerability. But vulnerability has literally changed my life and literally saved my life, so we'll get into that in a little bit. And then the podcast itself, as Tia said, is literally interviewing people from around the world to understand how people have actually gotten to where they are, because a lot of things that we see online happen to be like little snapshots of people's lives and, as humans, like we naturally compare ourselves to what we see, and so if we see these highlight reels, we don't necessarily see like the real story, and so we compare ourselves to this story that we are given and tend to put a ton of pressure on ourselves to figure everything out now, to have all the answers now. Oh, he's got a nice car, she's got a nice house, all of these things, and it's just like.

Adam: 4:47

Things take time, right, and I think that there's so much power in sharing real, open, raw and vulnerable stories with each other so that we can help each other out with real life right, the things that actually happen on a day-to-day basis, like the arguments that you have with each other or trying to coexist with a partner, or going after a dream job and then realizing it, realizing that it's not at all what you wanted it to be, and how to adjust after that. So we talk about the struggles that people have gone through and how they've overcome the traumatic events that people have experienced and how they've healed or are healing from those, and then, finally, how people have gained the confidence and the courage to go after the life of their dreams. So that's.

Tia: 5:34

Yeah, yeah. So for my listeners, I actually reached out to Adam via the Global Podfest because he actually made this. I think it was like a five-minute video.

Adam: 5:46

It was like a case study, yeah.

Tia: 5:48

Yeah, and the case study, it's really up to anybody who's interested in viewing.

Tia: 5:54

And I just was like I don't even remember what it was anymore, but I resonated so much with it that I had to reach out to him.

Tia: 6:01

And so here we are, and when we first chatted, it was insane how similar we are with the discomforts that we've had and the things that we've gone through, even to location, because you were in Boston for a couple of years, even though you were originally from Canada, and that's how you met your wife. And also speaking of your wife, guys, I'm going to plug in another thing because I already did it in his own podcast. But, guys, if you guys are interested in any sort of relationship advice for young couples, check out his coffee date episodes and honestly I think it's like very unique. I don't think I've ever heard of any video do that. And yeah, like you mentioned a lot of times, the couples that do do relationship advice together are generally odor and even though those advice do apply in the long term, people don't talk about like the younger generation having to navigate through. You know everybody having to work now because you need like a two household income.

Tia: 7:10

Rather than one back in the day, and I'm not saying that like you know, the traditional values of like okay, that husband still wants to be the provider and the wife stays at home isn't a thing. But in the bigger cities that is no longer really the case, unless you're making a ton of money. So definitely check out his coffee date episodes. There's two of them.

Adam: 7:33

He did them. They're episode 28 and 29. So episode 28 is our first year reviewing like our first year of marriage, and episode 29 is reviewing our second year of marriage. And just a quick little description is Shelby and I. Every Friday we have our coffee date, where it's like the entire morning is just dedicated to me and her, sitting down, having coffee and literally checking in with each other like physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and just really talking about anything and everything and goals, aspirations, things that bothered us throughout the week, whatever it is. And it's a really great opportunity for us to just see where each other is at and see how we can, you know, better support the other person or help the other person stay accountable to some of the things that they want to accomplish.

Adam: 8:22

And we had this idea of essentially taking one of those episodes or sorry, one of those coffee dates, and making it into a podcast episode and we posted it and then we got a great response. So we were like all right, well, like let's do another one. And the whole idea of it was just like you said. It's just.

Adam: 8:38

You know, we don't oftentimes hear about the stuff that's happening like day to day behind the scenes with couples, especially young couples. Shelby and I have only been married for, you know, two years and a couple months, but we've put so much time and effort into our relationship and have used a lot of tools and techniques that have helped us to understand each other and to really support each other and learning each other's triggers and just be able to like, coexist and just be like the supportive, best friend of each other. And so we were just like you know what, why don't we just talk about some of the stuff that we've been through and maybe it'll help somebody else, maybe it won't, we're not 100% sure, but we're just going to put a vulnerable conversation out there and hopefully it'll resonate.

Tia: 9:23

Oh yeah To me. I mean I'm single right now. I'm not saying to other people, please reach out to me, that's not what I'm saying. But like, even as somebody who's not in the dating scene or maybe in the dating scene, the conversations that Adam and Shelby have, they are quality conversations and obviously it's still lighthearted because it's still a date. They're just recording it in the process and you just kind of like realize how healthy conversations happen. And some of these things mean that it's heavy. You know it's not just lighthearted all the time. It's very deep. It's very like getting to know the bottom of like something that you're feeling at the current time or something of like an event that has just happened. And you know, a lot of times people avoid that. So obviously in my podcast we do talk about the deeper things of how it affects your mental health. Okay, so since I plugged in the coffee dates, we're going to circle back on how Adam actually started his podcast. It's a journey and you guys have to tune in on this.

Adam: 10:37

Yeah, so where the podcast started. So I launched the podcast in April of 2022. But the idea actually started in probably late 2017, not for the podcast itself but for the whole like comfort via discomfort idea, because essentially there's two phases of my life. The first phase is pretty much up until the end of 2017. So I was like 24 years old I think at that time, end of 2017. And that first phase was I just ran away from anything that was uncomfortable or too difficult.

Adam: 11:12

So growing up, I was a talented kid, so I could like pick up something and be pretty good at it pretty quickly and I use that to like show off and to get attention and to make some people jealous and stuff like that. But as soon as things got like too difficult, I would quit before I could fail. Like I developed a huge fear failure because I cared so much about what other people thought of me and I didn't want to like ruin my image, which is kind of ridiculous, but anyways, that was like what I developed was this fear of failure that you know, if I Failed at something, people wouldn't think that I was worthy Basically and they wouldn't accept me and they wouldn't, you know, they would start caring less and less about me, so I would just quit things before they got, before I could fail. I quit them when I saw that they were going to be too difficult or there was the opportunity for me to fail, and that started, honestly, in sports and it really had an effect on my personal life, because then, whenever anything became too uncomfortable or too difficult, I'd turn away from it and over time, my brain just started to be programmed into doing that. And then we can get into some of the other details in a little bit. But leading up to 2017, like that was my mindset, and In 2017 I was working in a sales job.

Adam: 12:29

I'd been there for about a year and a half and I was good at my job. I really liked the people that I was working with, but I was so bored like I was working in a mall and it was the same thing over and over and over again, and I had gotten a taste of like social impact projects and how amazing they could be. Just a quick sidebar in 2015 I was able to go to South Africa to try and like for a project that was tied to my university. Where I was, me and my team were trying to help a village get access to clean drinking water and like, coming back from that trip, I was like this is amazing and this is the type of stuff that I want to do with my life. So in 2017, I knew I wanted to take another step. I wanted to do something bigger and more fulfilling and more purposeful.

Adam: 13:16

But I was terrified because in 2013, when I was in my undergrad, I I Got to such a dark spot in my life because I had no idea how to deal with stress, no idea how to deal with comfort I discomfort. I got to a point in my life where I thought the only Solution was to take myself out of the, out of this world. So I actually attempted suicide in 2013 because I was so overwhelmed, I was so Bogged down by all the negative thoughts that I had. I did not see a way out because I wanted to Change so many things about my life. But the options were basically option one was have a bunch of uncomfortable conversations with people about all of the things that you want to change, and I was so scared of that because I thought that people were going to completely change the way that they looked at me. Or option two. At that time, my brain said option two the only other option was to. I was to kill myself, basically, and so that's what I tried to do and thankfully, it failed.

Adam: 14:20

So, 2017, I was like really wanted to do so much more with my life and I knew I needed to take a big step. And that's where I Actually applied for the international business school that Shelby and I met at, and After I applied, I was like holy shit, I'm terrified, like I just I know I want to do this, I know I need to do this. But, oh, my god, everything from four years before that came flooding back into my brain and I said to myself, like I Asked myself a very important question. I said what are you gonna do about it? And got me thinking. And I heard this quote like oh, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. And at that point, I was like, well, that's a bullshit quote. Like what the hell does that mean? Like I'll be honest with you. I was like what? What? I was so confused. I was like, yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't think that's true.

Adam: 15:09

And the more and more I kept learning about it, the more and more I saw that this was something that I could use to like Increase my mental fitness and my mental resilience. What I mean by that was I learned that you know, stepping outside of your comfort zone really activates, like your fight-or-flight response, and that is the same response that you get when you know, every day, stresses from life just kind of show up right. Oftentimes you just get put in this fight-or-flight response and the whole premise was like if I put myself in this fight-or-flight response over and, over and over again, I can become more familiar with it and I can learn how to get past it. Because when we're in that fight-or-flight response, there's so many things, there's a lot of chemicals that are Kind of being released in our body and we start to have so many irrational thoughts, so we can't make good decisions when we're in that moment because we're only worried about survival. So we can make survival the decisions, but other than that, there's a lot of irrational thoughts, and so I made it my mission.

Adam: 16:14

I was like, alright, 2018 is gonna be my year of discomfort, I'm going to do a bunch of things that are outside my comfort zone so that I can learn how to better deal with stress Basically. And I knew at that point I was like there's no way that I'm gonna be able to do this on my own, so I need. I need other people. I need other people to help me out. So I actually released a Challenge on Facebook. I don't know if you know this to you.

Tia: 16:38

No, I actually don't yeah.

Adam: 16:40

So I released a challenge on Facebook and I basically said okay, friends, family, whoever reads this, I 2018 is my year of discomfort. So If you want to do anything that is outside your comfort zone or something that you're scared of in 2018, let me know and we'll do it together. And there are three main reasons why I did that. Number one was accountability, because if I tell somebody else about it or me and you, for example, tia if me and you say like, oh, we're gonna go skydiving or something, then, like we can hold each other accountable to actually going and doing it. Number two is support right, if we are both terrified of skydiving and we are going to this place, like we are going to at some point, have a reaction where we are like scared, shitless, and we're like, oh, my god, I don't want to do this, right, if we're both shitting our pants, at least we can support each other and try to help each other, help each other through it right. And three, I was like, man, it's gonna be more fun if I do it with other people, like I can, of course, do this on my own, but you know, if I do this with people that I, that I know or people that I haven't talked to in five years. Like, either way, I think it'll be more fun because we'll get to do something together and we'll get to learn something Learn something about each other.

Adam: 17:50

So I started doing a bunch of things outside my comfort zone in 2018 and my hypothesis was correct. I was like, okay, the more and more I do this, the more and more confidence I gain in myself that I can get, that. I can be thrown in different situations and I can figure it out right, because before 2017, any uncertainty, any threat of failure or whatever I would just kind of crumble. But when I started doing things outside my comfort zone, I started to realize, oh, these things actually aren't that bad and like, oh, this response happens, but I can get to a point where I can decide what to do after that response. And so I just started sharing my message online. Basically, I was just like, alright, I'm gonna do some stuff and I'm just gonna talk about it online. And if people like I wasn't even thinking about like, oh, I want to be an influencer or anything like that, I was just like I'm just gonna share my stuff, like I especially after the first thing that I did, I Learned a really good lesson. And I was like, hey guys, I did this thing and I learned this lesson. I just shared it online and people started sort of resonating with what I was saying and I was like, oh well, that's pretty cool. I didn't know that. You know, other people would really relate to it.

Adam: 19:03

And then in April 2018, I started a vlogging challenge. That was one of the things outside my comfort zone where every single day, I released a one-minute vlog on my Instagram page and On day I had no idea what I was gonna talk about. Like I made this decision super last minute and on like the fifth or sixth day, I started talking about this comfort via this comfort idea. Right, the only way to be comfortable is to be uncomfortable first and Within like a day or two, like people started DMing me and was like, hey, and there were a couple people. They were like, hey, I could relate to this. And there were a couple people that like completely opened up to me about, like what they were Facing and I was like, holy shit, what's what's happening? Like, I don't know what's going on.

Adam: 19:45

So I Eventually started like a mini series called feature Friday, where I would have Somebody every Friday be a guest on this one minute show or one minute episode, and they would tell a story of a time that they stepped outside their comfort zone, why it was so scary, how they overcame it and what they learned from the experience. And the thought process was like Okay, if we share more and more stories like this, then more and more people will be able to relate to what they're Like one of these stories and it might inspire them to go do something new right, to go do something that they've always wanted to do, but they're scared to do. And so I started doing this with people from all over the world and I did like 30 episodes of that show from like 2018 to 2019. And that's how like the progression was like oh, I want to make it into a podcast. So I first had that thought in like 2019, early 2019. I didn't actually turn it into a legitimate podcast until April of 2022.

Tia: 20:46

Hey, I mean, we're on the same path. I actually don't know if I've ever shared it to my Listeners. Oh no, I haven't. So a little bit about me, since I know this is about Adam, but one of the things that we related on was the fact that our idea, our initial idea, of starting a Podcast didn't actually happen until years later. So we had the same idea around 2019, but we never actually launched until 2022.

Tia: 21:20

So, and it's funny because, like, he never Intended for it to be the way it was, and neither was I, and it's kind of funny. I'm gonna tell this to all the listeners, but I've never listened to a podcast, but somehow the idea of podcasting like made sense to me. So, yeah, we are gonna circle back a little bit on your fear of failure, just because, like I think a lot of people can resonate with that. That's one of the biggest fears that I believe that everybody has in this world. Like I mean, when you're raised in a Set expectation of a household, whether it's you doing it to yourself or your parents like you never want to let the people around you down, and Sometimes you don't want to let yourself down, but most of the time it's like you want to make sure that you're making your parents happy and, like you said, you were always a Talented kid. Things just came naturally to you. So then, like you were never put in a position where you really had to try, because anything that you did try, it just came so naturally to you that you were just naturally good at it. And so what I have noticed with people who've never endured stress Was that like they don't know how to handle it when they finally hit adulthood.

Tia: 22:39

Or, like you know, they're in those transition years when you're about to go to college, and usually they say college is like the place to experiment, to learn about yourself, to kind of Transition from like teenager to like an adult. But you know what, the idea of what college should have been and what it is now is, like, so far off from what it is. Because, like, real life is not about partying, it's not about getting messed up and like just, you know, meeting a lot of people and just sleeping with them. You know, and um, it's a lot more than that and I guess, in some ways, like, college still doesn't allow you to get out of your comfort zone, because you can always find people similar to you and you know like a track like, so you never actually have to face uncomfortability, but for you, your fear of failure hit really hard, that you were really thinking of like attempting suicide, and I'm so glad that you know you're still here, you're spreading your message, but, like I'm sure a lot of people resonate with that and it sucks because, like, I know what it feels like to feel that depressed and just having those very dark thoughts.

Tia: 23:57

And now more than ever, I believe like a lot of people also are feeling that they just feel very dark, bleak, and there's like nothing more to life and they just want to give up their life.

Tia: 24:09

And it's unfortunate that, like, not enough people talk about it and so, like this, allowing yourself to like share it, even though it is vulnerable, and like you could possibly get judged too, but the fact that you're willing to share that part of you resonates with so many people who are afraid to come out and talk about it because of, like, the fear of judgment, like you said, and like people not loving you anymore, people not wanting to be there, I mean, like it's scary. It's scary that something so painful and vulnerable has the possibility of making you feel rejected. So speaking of that, I mean I know during that time your mental state is definitely very different from the mental state you have now. But if you do remember how you were feeling during that time, like your mental state versus like now, and how you saw your mental state back then in the present form, what do you think about that?

Adam: 25:12

Yeah, that's a great question. Back then, well, like kind of circling back a little bit to like the fear of failure. I mean, when I was playing sports, there were a lot of expectations in terms because some things came naturally, because I was a pretty decent athlete. There were expectations around like how far I could go with each of the sports that I was playing, like, oh, you could get drafted or you could potentially get your college and university paid for, and like this is the path to go, basically, and I was like, okay, well, what if I do? What if I really try? And then I don't make that, or if I don't get my university paid for, right, like that was the type of thought process that I had, and it scared me in terms of letting other people down, especially my parents or people that I spent a lot of time with. And so when the opportunity came up to basically play hockey, for example, in my draft year when I was 16, before that season I actually quit I was like yeah, no, I don't wanna do this. Like one, I was actually like not having as much fun as I used to, because the we are I was playing at the most competitive level that you could at the time. And there was there's always like drama on sports teams and stuff like that, I guess. So there was some of that that I wasn't really fond of. And then also I was just like terrified to like try and fail. So I quit hockey and after that I turned to partying. Like grade 10, like when I was 16, I was drinking a lot, like I was borderline alcoholic like the first like three or four months of grade 10. Oh yeah, like I just I drank all the time and I would just do it for fun. Like I was like, yeah, why, if you don't, if you're not trying to get like messed up, why are you even drinking? Like that was my mindset, and so like I would avoid anything when it came to discomfort or difficult things by turning to that.

Adam: 27:10

And then, when I getting into my undergraduate degree, I actually moved away. So I lived in Windsor, ontario, which is right across the border from Detroit, michigan, and I got a small scholarship to play football out in Vancouver, british Columbia, so like on the other side of the country, right on the West coast, and I was like, yeah, I'm down, like let's go there. So I went to Vancouver for my undergraduate degree and three weeks after I moved there, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and so it was a huge like kind of smack to the face for me and my family. We just didn't know what was gonna happen next. And at that point, like me and my parents, me and my family like we didn't really have any like deep conversations when I was growing up and so like, even though, for example, my mom and dad would say like, oh yeah, we knew that you were drinking a lot, we never had many conversations about it. It was just something that was like oh, if they saw that I had bought like a bunch of alcohol, they would take it from me, basically, and that was it. There wasn't like a deep conversation about it. Same thing happened with my brother in high school when he was smoking marijuana. Quite a bit Same sort of thing happened, and so there were never any like deep conversations about that. So when I moved away and my dad is diagnosed with cancer, immediately my brain went to okay, well, my mom's working full time and she's gonna be driving my dad back and forth from the hospital, so I don't wanna bother her with anything.

Adam: 28:43

At the time I was 19,. My younger brother was 17. He's in the final year of high school. He's really gotta focus on his grades. We haven't had a lot of deep conversations so I'm not gonna reach out to him. My older sister she lives in Toronto. She's kind of doing her own thing. Our relationship isn't like that, so we're not gonna have, we're not really gonna talk about it. We talk about it every now and then, but like not to the point where we're really sharing how we're feeling and how we're dealing with things.

Adam: 29:14

And then my best friends in high school, like at that point we partied and we were like I don't know, I don't know if you can call it typical boys, but the way that we were was just like we were. We would party and hang out and call each other names and screw around and try to just have fun. That was basically what we were doing. And so there weren't any deep conversations with them either. Anytime that happened it was like oh, stop being so soft or whatever, right. And I mean like that was based on growing up. We were conditioned that you know our emotion. We're not supposed to be emotional as men. We're supposed to just like deal with whatever comes up and kind of be like this macho man almost, and so I was like, all right, I'm gonna do that. Like I don't have any like really close friends in Vancouver, yet Everybody else who I consider close to I made an excuse of why not to talk to them, so I just didn't talk to anybody about it. And then, yeah, I was kind of down.

Adam: 30:18

I was a little depressed the first year. I got into a relationship and that created some happiness in my life, but then when I moved back home during the summers to be with my parents, I would you know the person that I was with at the time, her and I started doing long distance and that created a lot of challenges between us and it was. It ended up turning into like not a healthy relationship, like we neither of us really should have been in a relationship. We just weren't working for each other. And eventually, in 2013, I moved back to British Columbia. The only reason I moved back there to go to school was because I was dating this person. I had stopped playing football, I had no attachment to the school. I actually wanted to be at home with my parents, but the only reason I moved back was because I was dating this person and I made a terrible decision.

Adam: 31:11

I was already like super worked up and nervous about moving back and I made a bad decision to live on my own, like completely on my own. I was like, yeah, I don't want to live on campus anymore because I want to feel like I'm a grown up and living somewhere else, and I wasn't really friends with anybody on the football team because all they wanted to do was drink and party and all that shit, and I had done that in grade 10. So I was like I want to do this, and so I literally got a place off-campus, like an apartment, like in a house, I guess, and just lived by myself. It was a terrible idea because I completely isolated myself and really wasn't hanging out with anybody. I would go to school and go home, go to school and go home, and it got super depressing because I had no will to get out of bed anymore a couple months into it.

Adam: 32:00

Like I said, the person that I was dating at the time, her and I, were not in healthy mindsets and so we weren't supporting each other the way that we really should have been. And, for example, there were a couple of times where I was like, oh, I really miss my parents, like I really want to go see them or I really want to move back with them, and the response would be oh, am I not good enough for you? And you know what I mean. Like when that's the conversation, then it becomes like two people that are in defense mode and you just butt heads and the conversation just gets aggressive and it's not healthy whatsoever. And that furthered my sort of depression at the time because I was like, oh well, yeah, I guess, like I'm stuck here, basically like, oh, I'm stuck here, I can't even, I can't even leave if I wanted to. And so I got to a point after a few months where every day my brain was like you just have to suffer through this, like you just have to be here, you don't have a choice, you don't have a choice, you have to suffer through this. Like you're stuck and over and over and over again for a couple months and eventually got to the point where I wanted to drop out.

Adam: 33:13

I wanted to break up with the person I was dating. I wanted to drop out of school, I wanted to like just break my lease, I wanted to move back home with my parents and I literally wanted to just like curl up and a bed and cry for a week. But I was like, okay, the person that I'm dating I'm gonna break her heart, right. My parents still think that I'm an engineering, which I was not in my second year. But I went to school. I went to engineering because that's what was recommended for me. So I'm not an engineering anymore and dropping out of school is gonna look terrible for them. I'm sure they're gonna be really disappointed in that. And the person that I'm leasing from she's a super nice lady and she's been so flexible to help me, like with my situation. So like I don't wanna screw her over and like men don't cry, so I'm not gonna go curl up in a bed and cry.

Adam: 34:01

So I made up literally like any reason possible not to do all of the things that I wanted to do.

Adam: 34:08

And after a couple of months it just starts eating at you because what you're thinking is not your reality, but you're not taking any actions to change your reality and so it just disconnects, keeps happening and over and over and over again and you have this narrative in your head telling you that you're not good enough or that you don't have the power to change any of these things.

Adam: 34:34

And so after a few months, my brain told me that the options were either have all of these uncomfortable conversations and potentially disappoint all of these people, or just take yourself out of this world so you don't have to deal with all of that. And then one night, when I was slightly intoxicated, I was like, yeah, fuck, option one, like that is, I'm not doing that, like there's no way I'm having all these difficult conversations. I'm gonna pick option two because I don't have to deal with the consequences, I won't be here, I won't have to deal with the consequences. And so that's when I decided to try and actually end my life, and obviously it was unsuccessful. So that was a long answer to like how my mindset was back then.

Tia: 35:20

All the detail, all the better.

Adam: 35:23

But it's important, right. I think it's really important to go through that stuff because when we talk about these things at surface level, sometimes we don't feel heard or seen or understood, and when you go into the details, sometimes you're like, oh, I've been thinking like that, I know what he's talking about, and so I do think it's important to share the details so that we can try and relate to one another. And a big part of like why I started the podcast, like you mentioned earlier, was to have more of these conversations in the public setting and to make it available to as many people as possible, because I feel like the more conversations we have about it, the more we can sort of change the narrative around it right, and the more that we can actually support each other. Because at that time I mean, maybe if I knew somebody that had gone through something similar, maybe I would have been like, oh hey, let me talk to that person. I don't know for sure, obviously, because my mindset was completely different back then, but just maybe if I heard a podcast or if I heard somebody share their story, it might help me change my mind right In terms of my mindset now because of embracing discomfort and vulnerability, very much along the lines of what I said earlier, which is like throw me in a situation and I can, I'll figure it out.

Adam: 36:42

I'm not gonna do it perfectly, I'm probably gonna fail like 17 times, but I'll learn how not to do it and eventually I'll figure out how to do it. Like. My mindset is like the complete opposite. Like I know that failure, I know that failing is part of the equation, basically Like the chances of me trying to do something and doing it right the first time. I don't know what those chances are, but they're not great. And so my mindset is now along more of the lines of each time you do something and you don't get the result you want, you can learn something. Basically right. And so what's a very important distinction that I've made is that in the past, if I would do something and I would fail at it, I would say I am a failure.

Adam: 37:26

But now, if I do something and I don't get the result I want, I said like oh.

Adam: 37:32

I would say like, oh, I failed at that, or I failed doing it that way.

Adam: 37:36

Right, I say that I failed instead of I am a failure. And that's a big difference because, like when you say, like I am a failure, you're basically tying that to like your identity right and like your entire person, your entire being, is a failure because you didn't make it to the NHL or because you didn't get that new job or that promotion or whatever it is. And it's like, even though those things sound small, like it makes so much of a difference when we're talking to ourselves every single day, because we share, we have so many thoughts and the narrative that we say to ourselves is the most important one, and so we need to pay attention a lot to like how we speak to ourselves and about ourselves, because, consciously or subconsciously, your brain documents everything you say, and so if you're telling yourself over and over again that you're a failure, then your brain is going to start to basically print that 3D model in reality and you're going to fail at whatever it is that you're trying to do.

Tia: 38:37

Yeah, the brain is. It's amazing how it works because, whatever your mindset is, whatever you think, it's true and mainly it's because, for, like, survival reasons, right, if there's so many things that are proving your mindset wrong, like you're going to go crazy and like the whole point of our human body is to survive, so there's no way, like it doesn't matter if it's a positive or a negative mindset that you have, it's just that your brain is trying to keep you alive and that's its only purpose. I know like our society nowadays, like our brains are so complex and we do so many different things and have so many expectations and there's just like a whole laundry list of things that we are expected, but like people keep forgetting that, hey, we are at our base core, still needing to just survive. Like everything else is because it's a luxury that we can't afford nowadays, because back then it was really just survival. We were in tribes, we connected with each other, we needed each other, everybody was good at whatever they were good at and nobody was thinking about failure, because they can't afford to fail as a whole community, because I mean, they're going to be wiped out.

Tia: 39:59

So Now it's definitely changed, where we do have more autonomy for ourselves, but also that means that we are left to our own devices, and whether that is a good thing or a bad thing kind of depends on your upbringing. It kind of depends on the community and places that you are around, because that really does build or put you down and you don't know better. Right, we're always learning, every single minute of our living life, whether it's a bad thing, it's a good thing, whether it's a mistake, it's a lesson. We're always still learning because it's always something new. And when you run away, like you were saying, running away from uncomfortability, you never exercise that muscle of like well, what have I stuck around? What could happen? And identifying with like we do this all the time, like I mean, I've done it. Everybody in their life have probably done it at least once where they've tried something and they failed at it and they suddenly have identified and put their entire identity on this one thing that nullifies everything else they could have possibly been good at and it sucks, sorry.

Adam: 41:17

I'm going on a tangent.

Adam: 41:19

No, it's all good. I think it's all important and, yeah, I've been reading a lot. Two things One I've been reading a lot about like the subconscious mind lately and how to align your subconscious with your conscious mind. Basically because, like through all of your experiences, all of the conditioning, your brain, like I said, just documents everything and that becomes those different things, become part of your subconscious narrative and so, like this idea of self-sabotaging, what that really is is, your subconscious is taking over in one way or the other. And so if you're saying, if you're conscious mind wants to whatever get a new job or wants to be good at something, and your subconscious mind is over and over again telling you that you are a failure, saying I'm a failure, I'm a failure, I'm a failure, then eventually the subconscious mind is taking over and is going to make that thing happen.

Adam: 42:16

So I've been reading a lot about how to reprogram that subconscious mind and how to align it with your conscious ideals, because your conscious ideals are essentially, like what you want to get out of life. So if I say like, oh, I want to earn a million dollars or I want to be a lot more present with the people that I spend time with right. If those are our goals, then I have to make sure that I align my subconscious with those goals. I'm going to talk all about like unprogramming and reprogramming, essentially, and there was something else that I wanted to talk about, but I totally forget because I got excited about the subconscious mind.

Tia: 42:54

Oh, you should. I don't know if you've read this book or heard of it, but there's a book called the Power of your Subconscious Mind by I believe it?

Adam: 43:01

I'm reading it right now. Oh are you, because it's an amazing book.

Tia: 43:06

It's one of my favorite books which I ended up giving away, and I am so upset that I gave it away. But then I know that if I repurchase it it's just going to sit on the shelf, because I generally do not read books more than once, because there's so many books out there that I want to read that. Like if I was to spend time reading something. Old versus new. I prefer something new. But that's not to say like I'm sure if I was to read this book again I wouldn't get something else out of it. But yeah, amazing book. I'm glad you're reading it, because I never asked you what you were reading.

Adam: 43:44

Yeah, this is totally off topic, but I've learned over the past like two months that it is very difficult for me to read one book at a time, because I no, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't like a, this isn't like a brag, where I'm sitting there and reading seven books at the same time.

Adam: 44:01

This is literally no, no, no. This is literally like self-awareness and I'm like I'm sharing it because it's taken me so long to understand this. So I have a very conceptual brain, meaning that I like new ideas and options, and I get bored with things quite quickly. And so if I tell myself, oh, I have to sit down and I'm going to read this 300 page book, like this month, it doesn't. So far it hasn't mattered what book it is. Once I get to a certain point, I'm like I lose motivation to pick it up because I'm just bored of reading that topic.

Adam: 44:35

So what I've learned is that if I have a stack of books of like four or five books that I'm interested in whenever I sit down to read, now I have different options and I'm like, ooh, this sounds exciting right now, let me continue reading this one. And it allows me to actually read more consistently. Something I just discovered a couple of months ago and I was like putting so much pressure on myself to, like Adam, just read this book, read this book and finish this book and, for whatever reason, over and over and over again, it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. I would lose interest or I'd drop the book or whatever Something would come up. So far over the last like 60 days, I've been more consistent reading when I just have different options to actually pick from. So in case anybody's listening and might resonate with that, that is funny because I go through phases.

Tia: 45:26

So I love reading and I know we're going off topic, but like hey, this is part of the conversation, Like we can be personable too. But I go through phases of like going through books really fast so I will finish a whole book in like two days, three days, so there's no possibility for me to get bored if I'm going that fast. But then there are other times where I'm just like I want to read a little bit of this and a little bit of that and it's just like I want to say like a change of taste buds kind of thing, Like you don't want to eat the same thing every day.

Tia: 46:04

So because of that yeah, I mean, I think you know, as long as you're getting the information and you're constantly like stimulating your brain, there's nothing wrong with it, as long as you get to the end of the book eventually, I do notice that I forget like information. If I was like having like three or four books at the same time, I will lose track of like oh, what did I read in this book? Because I was so focused on this next book. So sometimes because of that, I just I just go from start to end.

Adam: 46:43

Yeah.

Tia: 46:46

But, yeah, a little disclaimer. Nobody needs to feel like there should be any pressure to read. It's good to read, definitely read the stuff that you're into, but when you know there's always like an idea nowadays, or not an idea, but like a what's the word, the there's just like a bad notion to reading. Now, especially like the younger generation, nobody wants to read and somehow, like reading over the years have just been like on a decline. The younger, the younger generation, the less they want to read and and it doesn't help that when you go to school or you're like being forced to read these terrible books, by the way, like there are very, very few books that they actually pick that are like worthy of reading.

Tia: 47:33

And I know like some people will wholly disagree, but you know, I feel like everybody has different interests in what they like to read and when everybody in the entire class is reading and being graded on this one book that some people just have no interest in or care about, whereas like other genres may be better, like they're saying like, oh, if you don't do well in this book, comprehending what's happening in this book, then you're not doing well in your reading or whatever. It was just so stupid of a bar to you know, put on people. But anyway, school system is another another thing. For another time, going back to your mental state, I know there was a point in time that you did have that transition for your quality of relationships to be more close, because I know in the beginning, especially like during your college phase, like you said, you didn't really have people that you could talk to about this. But eventually you did make that transition via your therapist to actually get into that discomfort and actually talk to your family and possibly your friends too.

Tia: 48:49

But I don't, yeah, so yeah would you like to talk a little bit more about that?

Adam: 48:56

Yeah, yeah, absolutely so. Yeah, as I mentioned, you know, there were amazing people in my life, even when I was like at the beginning of college, but it wasn't normal for us to share deep conversations, so it was like, oh, I'm not going to be the one to start that, like I don't know who to turn to. So I just didn't turn to anybody, and so that was like you know, when I was starting my undergrad, it was like 2012, 2013. Fast forward about six years. I was halfway through my master's program in 2019.

Adam: 49:27

And another like really traumatic event happened in February 2019. I essentially got to a point where I did not know how to move forward. I had no idea how to process this. It was something that isn't really talked about very often and, as a man, so I was sexually assaulted by a female, and as a man, I was like I don't know how to navigate this whatsoever. I don't. I have never talked to anybody who's gone through this and there were a lot of other sort of things that were happening at the time, and so I was kind of lost and, you know, I actually had the same thought that I had in 2013. So when I February 2019, this traumatic event happened and things were kind of hitting rock bottom, I guess, at the time.

Adam: 50:14

And I remember walking to school on a Tuesday and I stopped and I looked at, you know, the Boston skyline and I was just like man, none of this is worth it anymore. Like you know, I feel I feel awful, like I don't even want to frickin be here, like there's nothing, there's no point in doing any of this anymore. Right, like I was very much in like a depressed mindset at the time and I was like you know what? I'm going to go to class because I don't have anything better to do, but like this is this is not where I want to be. So I went to the class that day, did my thing and then the very next day, I took the exact same walks, stood in the exact same spot, looked at the exact same skyline. Totally different mindset. I was like you know what? No, like you were way, you've evolved way more than this. Like that is like 2013 mindset. Like we're bet we are, we have evolved. Right, like I don't you know what I mean Like you're at a point that you're not happy at. You don't know how to move forward. There's a lot of figuring out that needs to happen and you don't know how to move forward. So, like go ask somebody.

Adam: 51:11

And at that point at my university we had we had counselors, like we had therapists, and we were able to basically each student was allowed to get, I think, three free sessions, like three one hour sessions with each, with with a therapist. And so I went to see a therapist talking about discomfort. I went to her office and I knocked on her door, cause I finally got up the courage to go tell her that I wanted to make an appointment and she didn't answer. And so my brain went like, oh well, I tried. So I turned around and I started walking away and I took about 15 steps and I stopped dead in my tracks and I was like no, adam, like you know that you need this, that you know that you need to do this. You're totally lost. Like go back and grab a business card and like send her an email. So I like literally had this conversation with myself, turned myself around, went and grabbed a business card and like actually sent her an email, the book and appointment. And I am so proud of myself for doing that because it was like so difficult at the time. There's so much discomfort. But it was like the, the, the decision, that started everything.

Adam: 52:20

So in that therapy session it was my, my therapist first of all just really helped me to correctly identify what had happened, because I was really really confused. I didn't want to admit that I had been sexually assaulted or raped by a female and again, because of, like my own, the image that I had of myself, right, and the image that other people could have if they found out, because I, you know, anytime a man talks about something like that, the, the irrational thoughts come in where people are going to be like, oh well, like you're a man, like how could you ever let like a, a woman, like take advantage of you, like that? Couldn't you just throw her off of you? Like you're so much stronger than her, blah, blah, blah. And there's so many other lines, and so all these things are running through my head. So it clouded my judgment.

Adam: 53:10

I hadn't really no idea what had actually happened to me, and so the first session with my therapist, she really helped me to identify, like, what had happened and I told her the story three different times because after I told her the first time and she was like Adam, you were, you're, you're, raped or, at the very least, sexually assaulted by this person. And I went no, no, you didn't listen to the story. I literally said that to her and she was like no, adam, you have been. And so we went through the story again and finally, what made it click was she said Adam, imagine if the roles were reversed. Imagine if you were a female and she was a male, like if it was reversed that way. And then tell me the story, like think about the story. And immediately I was like, oh yeah, that is really creepy, like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And so I had to come to terms with what had actually happened first of all.

Adam: 54:00

And then, after such a traumatic event, there's like a lot of healing that needs to happen. And my therapist asked me she's like Adam, who can you, who's in your inner circle that you can turn to to talk about this? And I said, well, I've got my parents, I've got my brother, I've got some like really close friends, but like I don't really talk to them about this stuff, like nobody really knows in a lot of detail, like what's going on in my life or like what I'm struggling with. So opening up about this, would just like that's not what we do, that's not our thing, and she's like well, you pretty much have two options. One option is we can work one-on-one together and I can help you work through as much of this as you want. Option two is that you begin to be vulnerable with the people that you care about the most and start actually telling them what's going on in your life and open up and tell them about this experience.

Adam: 54:56

And at that moment, for whatever reason, like it was very clear to me, I was like I need to pick option number two. I want to pick option number two because, like I know that that's gonna be good for me, I know that it's gonna be helpful, and so I decided to tell people that I was super close with. So the first people that I told were my parents, and I was living in Boston at the time. They were in Windsor, so we literally had a video call and I told them about what happened, and it was super emotional conversation. My mom was crying, my dad didn't know what to say and it was uncomfortable and awkward at times, because I'm telling them that, like this person like completely took advantage of me and did whatever she wanted, and so it was an awkward conversation, but that was like the first step to really starting to become comfortable talking about it.

Adam: 55:49

And then I slowly started opening up to some of my close friends and one of my friends at the time, lucas, he was so, so much help. He really helped me to understand and accept like what had happened. He helped me kind of like navigate something else that has to do with this. And then he also was like hey, listen, man, like a lot of people after traumatic events, what can be really helpful is by really like working on yourself. Right, like I had been in a relationship for four years and not to say I wasn't working on myself, but there was always another person in the picture. And so he's like I'm doing this thing. It's called the Miracle Morning. It's a book by Hal Elrod which talks about the six habits of highly successful people, and I was like I'm just really open to that idea because he had been doing it for a little bit, and he's like it's really helped me to become a better person and I think it could help you too. And so I started doing it with him and we held each other accountable and it was an absolute game changer, because I started being a lot more intentional about my life and about what I wanted to get out of life and what I wanted to, what I wanted my days to be. And also in therapy, like I started to understand what boundaries were and how to actually create them for myself.

Adam: 57:15

Because when I was growing up in high school and stuff, I was very flirty. I was very. My mom would how, what's that term? I'm losing the term but she would call me like I don't remember the term, but anyways she would. I was really flirtatious and I would never really, like, put boundaries in place on my own. You know what I mean? Like I was always kind of like really flirty with people, the opposite sex, and so like boundaries had never occurred to me, right. I was like, oh, I can stop anything at any time, whenever I want, right. Like that's the feeling that a lot of men have as well. It's like I'm not gonna let some woman take advantage of me, right.

Adam: 57:58

But then it happened to me and it was a real wake up call because I was like, okay, I'm not invincible, right? Like this can happen to me just as much as it can happen to somebody else, and so I need to be intentional about, like, some of the boundaries that I actually create for myself. And so I started looking at that, started putting a lot of time and effort into my personal development. But the biggest thing was the vulnerability the more conversations I had about being sexually assaulted by a female, the sort of less power it had over me, and the more I was able to like really really connect with people. You know, we oftentimes think about the negative consequences or the potential negative consequences of being vulnerable, like we've been told that it's a weakness. We've been told that people are going to view you as weak, that they're gonna use this information and take advantage of you. And you know, sure, I'm sure that there are some people that don't have your best intentions at heart. But I opened up to, and I continue to open up to, a number of people and if somebody ever has like a negative reaction to them, I'm like okay, well then I'm not gonna talk to you about this stuff, like cut dry, that's end of story. Like I'm just you know what I mean You're not gonna be in my trusted circle if you are like doubting what I'm saying or you think that you know that I deserved it or anything like that. So, yeah, I went in 2019.

Adam: 59:24

When I started opening up to people. It was, first of all, incredible because everybody that I opened up to was immediately like, really supportive and was able to like sit there and listen, and each person helped me in a different way. Some people were there to listen, other people were there to listen and then potentially give me some advice. I even opened up to a couple of strangers that I ended up hanging out with in Europe when I was traveling and I learned that, hey, sometimes being vulnerable doesn't have to be with your best friend. Sometimes it can be with a stranger, because there's a lot of comfort knowing that this person's gonna leave and I'm probably never gonna see them again, right? So, like, who the heck are they gonna tell about my story? And, like you know, you can almost tell somebody and just have like a conversation with zero judgment and then just walk your separate ways and be like, wow, that was therapeutic, like it's amazing. And so it was cool because, like, everybody was super supportive and gave me the opportunity to like tell them what had happened.

Adam: 1:00:24

Different people helped me in different ways, and the amazing thing was that when I started to, when I was willing to be even a little bit vulnerable with people, the walls almost came down on their end as well. And all of a sudden, we were having deep conversations just about life and about each other and I was like holy shit, like there are a lot of people that go through this stuff and there was this much deeper connection that happened with each individual, because we're talking about real life. It's not like, oh yeah, did you see the game last night? Which I mean like that conversation is fine, but you know, you can only learn so much about somebody if that's the conversation over and over again. Right, once we actually start to open up to each other and tell each other about the real things that are happening in our lives, we can actually start to get to know each other and we can learn how to support each other and we can learn from each other.

Adam: 1:01:19

And that's been like the biggest transformation over the last four years and it's completely changed my relationship with my parents. We literally talk about everything nowadays and it's been that way for a long time, or it's been that way for the last four years. This exposure to being vulnerable has changed my relationship with my friends as well, because I'm like, listen, I care about like what's really happening in your life, like you can, if you don't wanna talk about it, I'm not gonna force you, I can't do that, but I want you to know that you can come to me at any time and if you're feeling like shit or if you're doubting yourself, or if your girlfriend broke up with you and you wanna talk about, like, I'm here to talk about any of those things, because I just know how important it is to be seen, heard and understood and I wanna create that environment for other people. And I know that, like we are going to just our relationship, our friendship is gonna take such a different form. And it's amazing when you know that there are people, when you're extremely confident that there are people in your circle that are going to be your like sort of 4 am friends, right, 4 am you can pick up the phone and call and they'll answer because, like you know, you are in their sort of inner circle.

Adam: 1:02:34

And it's also completely changed the way that I approached my relationship, like my dating relationship, and it's a huge reason why Shelby and I are like have the relationship that we do, because we both entered that relationship and put all of our non-negotiables on the table, like we talked for like four hours before we ever said that we wanted to start seeing each other, because we wanted to know if our values aligned. And we put our non-negotiables on the table, and one of the biggest ones was open, honest conversation, transparency right, and it takes a lot of vulnerability to be transparent, right, like especially with somebody who you are spending so much time with. And so everything started with my therapist giving me that option and me choosing to take option number two. Yeah, that's where everything really started.

Tia: 1:03:31

Yeah, which is very different from what you initially have decided on doing before as well, because that was a possible option that you could have done back in 2013, but you chose the lather instead. So there was definitely a lot of growth during the six years timeframe that you probably didn't even notice at first until, like, you went to the therapist and you talked about it. But it's unfortunate that you had to experience something like that, but it is a lot more common than people think. I've had guy friends and just males in general like strangers as well, like what you were saying, how there is a comfort talking to strangers. I've had people just come up to me and just like, tell me really heavy stuff and then being raped, sexually assaulted. That's a lot more common than we all think it is.

Tia: 1:04:32

But because there is that stigma of like oh, like what you said, you're the macho man.

Tia: 1:04:37

You can really do anything to the girl if you really wanted to, so you can always stop it. It's never what you think it would be, because a lot of men don't believe in stopping like hitting a woman. A lot of men don't believe in just like doing anything that could potentially be of like, like you can easily bruise a woman and then all of a sudden, like you might, land in jail and it wasn't like anything you would have done to her. It was as she started it and you know, like both genders it goes vice versa. But just in general, it's harder to talk about because of all these stigmas and I'm so glad you're sharing this story because it would allow more men to feel more comfortable. And talking about that, because I've definitely I've heard a lot of men tell me like, especially when they were like a teenager or like around high school, they would have gotten raped by like a older woman, like maybe a year or two, or maybe like family members.

Tia: 1:05:49

You know it's people don't realize how that messes with your mental state as well. Like the first part is processing it, accepting that it did happen, which is what you were struggling with too, because it's like how could that possibly happen to you? That just like it doesn't make sense. And then, once you process that, it's like, oh crap, like it actually happened. And then now what and actually I did want to ask you, experiencing that Like how did you notice a change in how you handle, like your relationships, like you know, like with your partner not in terms of like family or friends or anything Did anything of that change.

Adam: 1:06:34

Yeah, absolutely so, like kind of getting back to high school and stuff. Like I said, I was very flirtatious and I was very at that time, high school and in college, like I was open up, I was open to like just basically hooking up with with different people type of thing. And I had the mindset of times where I was like, yeah, I could get you know any woman that I wanted. I can, you know, we can, we'll sleep together and that'll be a type of thing. And so I didn't really have many reservations when it came to doing that. But after the sexual assault and everything, I mean like my entire outlook on intimacy changed and I was just like I was trying to be hyper aware of things that could happen before it ever even got to that point. So if even if you know, I of course in my master's program had some friends who were, who were female, and if there were any time, if there was something that seemed out of law is not not like out of line. I don't want to make it seem like they were doing anything crazy, but if there was anything, any sort of thing, that implied that, like if something was a little bit flirtatious or if there was anything ever implied of like sleeping together or something like that. Like I started getting to the point where I was like, okay, I want to make sure that I have a conversation like with this person to ensure that, like we know, okay, we're friends and that's, and that's, that's what we are right, basically. And so in the past I would just kind of like brush that stuff off and be like, yeah, she know, like like another, oftentimes another one of my female friends would bring up and be like, oh yeah, that woman was like totally into you, like she totally wants you, and I'd be like. I'd be like, no, you're like you're, and I would just brush it off. It'd be like, no, no, no, like you're just, you're just picking on things or whatever. But after this experience I would start to try and pay more attention to that.

Adam: 1:08:30

And if there was any sort of like, if we were in a conversation at a bar, for example, and even if it was one of my friends, if she, like you know, put her hand, like was just kind of like being friendly, and put her hand on my lower back or on my hip or something like that, and I found it uncomfortable, like I started to be like Okay, I need to have that conversation. I need to say like hey, I don't know if you meant anything by it, but like this made me really uncomfortable, right, just starting to have even those little tiny conversations allowed me, like it literally empowered me and it felt, it made it seem like, you know, I was in control of how sort of things were happening. Right, and of course you can't be in control of everything. But like, as soon as something came up, like if, if I were to like let it slide where it was like oh, the, the, you know she she put her hand on my lower back and I was like oh, even though I was uncomfortable, I decided not to say anything. Then the next time, if it went a little bit further unintentionally or intentionally I would probably not say anything because I'm uncomfortable and I'm just trying to deal with it. So I started getting trying to develop the habit of like hey, if anything makes me feel uncomfortable when it comes to these types of things, then I'm going to talk about it.

Adam: 1:09:47

I also just like, after the experience, I literally didn't want to be intimate with anybody. I didn't, and so hooking up with somebody wasn't even something that I really wanted to do. I was very much like, yeah, you know what, I'm just going to take a break from that for now. I'm really going to work on myself and like I don't really care to hook up with anybody right now, unless, like you know, we're, we're like actually talking about you know, potentially dating or seeing each other. And at that time I was like I just got out of a four year relationship, I just went through this traumatic experience. I really don't have any interest in dating anybody. So therefore, I was just like, yeah, I'm not going to be intimate with people and I'm going to really pay attention to how, how, my like day to day interactions are with other people, and I'm going to vocalize it if I, if I become uncomfortable, because I need to learn how to set boundaries for myself.

Tia: 1:10:44

Yeah. So now that we're nearing the end, I much rather end on like a positive note. I'm sure you have seen your own growth throughout. I guess it's been like 10 years. Yeah, we're in 2023. So from 2013, it's been 10 years. What do you have to say for yourself? You should, you should, really be proud.

Adam: 1:11:08

Yeah, I am. I am very proud of of the, the growth that I've experienced and I thank you for, for highlighting that and for saying that Because, yeah, I mean going from that mindset of thinking that my life is is worthless and that the only way out is to end my life, to now really just facing things head on as a complete 180 for me, and I honestly like a like the title of my podcast implies, I owe it all to embracing discomfort and vulnerability, because we get so tied up sometimes in our, in our day to day world and we think that our little actions are meaningless, that they're not going to have an effect. But every action has an effect on on your, on your life, on your conscious mind or subconscious mind, and so changing things up. And, for example, there's a difficult conversation that you know you want to have and you've been avoiding it like starting that and having that difficult conversation that can start the start that can allow you to like, empower you to take more steps to change the things that you want in your life. And so I always try to tell people about how, like little, tiny things can make a difference. And even, like we get so programmed without even realizing it, and I've really tried to like change things up on a regular basis with myself to try and like expose myself to new things. That way, I'm forcing myself to like be uncomfortable and to learn how to do things a different way. So, like literally most of the time, people will take the exact same way home from work every single day. Right, they'll drive the exact same way, they'll bike the exact same way, because it's like automatic, it's habitual and it makes sense, because it's something that's easy.

Adam: 1:13:01

But like a quick challenge could be to like take a different, take a different way home. Or it could be like the next time that you're going to meet up with friends for drinks at a restaurant that you have no idea, like you've never been there before, don't use your GPS, just go, try to drive and get there. Try to be resourceful. Give yourself extra time because you'll probably get lost, but like try to be resourceful. Another thing that I started doing is like I'll go to a restaurant and I'll hand menu to my wife or to my father-in-law or somebody else and be like yeah, just pick something for me. Right To like take the element of control out of it and to like try to introduce myself to like new foods, for example, because other people are going to probably choose something different than I would.

Adam: 1:13:42

Right, like the other day, my wife and I went to a place called Taco Mama Amazing tacos and I literally like went to the order and I told the waitress I was like, okay, I want like the taco basket, because you had to pick two different tacos. But I was like you pick the tacos, like don't tell me what tacos you're picking, just pick two tacos. And she was like what the heck why? I was like because, like I want, because, like it's probably going to, you're probably going to choose other things that I wouldn't.

Adam: 1:14:10

And I want to, like you know, challenge myself to try new things and to and to, even if it's as little as having different food, right, it starts to sort of program you to be okay with not being in control of everything and it starts, you know, you start being okay with like trying new things and like, the more and more you start doing it, the more and more you can do that sort of in your real life.

Adam: 1:14:34

So, anyways, I'm yeah, I'm really proud of the changes that I've made and, like I said, I can owe it all to embracing discomfort and vulnerability. So I encourage everybody on, everybody that's listening, I encourage you as well to you to think about anything that scares you or makes you uncomfortable. And and even, like you know, oftentimes we think about our dreams and our aspirations, and they're huge and we don't. We don't know how to get there, so we just decide not to try. And it's like, even if you just start changing one little thing about your life this week or tomorrow or today, you can start sort of like that, that mindset shift in in order to embrace discomfort.

Tia: 1:15:22

Oh yeah, I mean, let's be real here me having this podcast, me putting myself out there, that is the biggest fear. And having my business, just like throughout my entire podcast life span it's been, it's been a challenge. And it's not a challenge in a way of like it's hard work, it's more of like a mental and emotional challenge in sense of, like you know, this is my biggest fear. My biggest fear is being seen. And you know, you think that you hit a point where you're like, okay, you're comfortable, you're doing, you're doing it. You know like you're, you're finally making moves on what you want to do and then, like, sometimes you'll hit a point where it's like, okay, now you have to hit the next step and that next step is just going to be uncomfortable again, even though you did the first step. And people always think that like, okay, just because you did one hard thing, it means like, all of a sudden, you're more comfortable with being uncomfortable. But like that's not true. It's just that, like it's now a muscle that, like you know, it's like going to the gym, right, you hit new personal records or lifting heavy, right, but every time you go you're trying to break a new record. Those pushes are still going to be hard. You're going to do them because you know you can. You've already made the first step, the next step and the next, but it doesn't mean it gets any easier because you're still pushing new heights for yourself.

Tia: 1:16:57

So, yeah, I think, like I and I agree with you that everyone should get a little bit uncomfortable, do the things that they're afraid to do, because you never know what could happen. And the worst thing is like nothing happens right. And I know, again, we have this big fear of, like failure. And fear of success is another thing too, which we're not going to get into today, but that was something I had to work out within myself. Is that like why am I holding myself back? Is it because I think I'm going to fail? And it was never the fact that I thought I was going to fail, it was the fact that I'm like afraid of all of the changes once you become successful. And the other thing is like okay, what have you achieved at all? What's next? Like you know, for people who get bored, that's scary. That's scary to have like nothing left to achieve. So, but I mean like I don't know if there's any other advice that you would share.

Adam: 1:18:01

Yeah, the last sort of thing I'll say about, like the gym and working out and stuff like that. I think the important message is, like you know, there's always room for, there's always room for growth, right. The way that I described it was like getting out of your comfort zone on a regular basis is like mental fitness, like you said, it's like going to the gym for your brain, right. And the thing is like if, like, life is going to inevitably kind of like smack you in the face, there are going to be challenges and problems and things that you need to solve. Like people are going to pass away, you're going to lose a job, you're going to be in a tight financial situation, you're going to have to have uncomfortable conversations Like those are just facts of life, and so at some point life is going to drop like a 50 pound weight in front of you and if you've never, ever like lifted a weight, then you're not going to be able to, you're not going to have the capability to lift that 50 pound weight, right? So getting outside of your comfort zone is like going and doing small things and eventually getting to be able to lift that 50 pound weight. It's like oh okay, let me start with a 10. Cool, let's do this, right. Okay, let's move up to 20. Oh, now, 20 is easy. Then 30, then 40. And eventually you start being able to lift more weight. Right, there will always be heavier weights. Right, there will always be that 60 pound weight, or 70 pound weight or 100 pound weight, but your progress is like now you can lift 50 pounds, right, instead of being able to live zero before. And so getting outside of your comfort zone allows you to flex that mental muscle and allows you to be more resilient.

Adam: 1:19:31

And what's amazing about it and the thing that I really loved about 2018 when, like that was my year of discomfort was the fact that I was like I'm going to put myself in a somewhat controlled environment to face discomfort. I'm going to choose things that I know I'm scared of. I'm going to do it with people that I really, that I like or spend time with, and we're going to go do these things, because in life you don't always get to choose. Like you don't get to choose when you know your best friend passes away, for example. It just happens and you're going to have to sort of deal with it, and if you've avoided discomfort your entire life, then you're going to have a lot.

Adam: 1:20:10

You're going to struggle a lot more in terms of trying to get through that situation, because you've avoided discomfort your whole life. You've avoided stress. You've avoided really trying to like tap into who you are and how you react to certain things and how you grieve and etc. Etc. So it doesn't have to be the biggest discomfort that you just do. Tomorrow you can literally start with the smallest thing, like going to a restaurant and telling somebody else to order your food. That can start the ball actually rolling, but I think it's super important.

Tia: 1:20:45

Yeah, that's actually a good idea, that I think that would be like a fun date idea just to like go to a restaurant and have your partner pick or a significant other or your date pick for you and just like roll with it. You know, I've never thought of that, although I have to say, like you know, when you go to restaurants where, like they have so many options of something besides the things that I know I don't like, I'm like okay, just give me everything else and I will see if I like it or not.

Tia: 1:21:15

Yeah but it also adds character, you know, it builds experience and it makes for great conversations and you never know, like, who you meet in life that can resonate with that, who've also done similar activities or things that, like, a lot of people wouldn't do. You know, and there's there's personalities for that and so, like, when you do do those things that, like, have made you who you are, you find other people who are similar and you know it's a beautiful community and when you're able to surround yourself with, like, people who support you and your highest good and also do all of the crazy things that you want to do, because in life is all about experience. After all, you live, you grow, you learn, you love hard, you do what's best, hopefully for yourself and for the people around you, and you know that's, that's just life.

Adam: 1:22:11

So yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Tia: 1:22:14

But thank you for coming onto my show, adam, and thank you for sharing your very vulnerable, very deep story that I'm sure a lot of people would need to hear this at some point and you know, maybe it's not always like the same exact situation that's happened but that one sentence, maybe it's just one word that you said that hit hard for somebody that could really change their life, and that's really what it's all about here. So we're about to close out, but please let my listeners know where they can find you. Yeah, absolutely.

Adam: 1:22:51

So Comfort by discomfort podcast you can find it at comfort via discomfortcom. It's also available on YouTube and all the major podcasting platforms. So just search Comfort by discomfort, wherever you get your podcast. You'll be able to find that, and then I'll also send to you my contact information so anybody wants to reach out. I'm an open book, as you can probably tell. I love meeting new people and I love actually talking with people about real life and about what they're dealing with, and and if I can help in any way, that would be incredible. So I'll give you my contact information so that people can reach out if they want to or need to.

Tia: 1:23:30

Perfect Alrighty. Thank you so much and hopefully, when we can figure it out, maybe we can have you back on the show, because it would be very fun and for those who've already listened to your story, it can be a little bit more fun where we're doing more back and forth.

Adam: 1:23:46

Yeah, yeah, sounds good I would. I'd really appreciate that. That'd be a lot of fun.

Tia: 1:23:52

And maybe bring Shelby along next time.

Adam: 1:23:54

She's the star of the show.

Tia: 1:23:56

She's the star of the show hey said like a true man ever. Yeah, Alright thanks so much. Thank you for joining again. It is such a pleasure and I am so blessed to have met you like three, three and a half months ago via LinkedIn technically, but you know from your case study. So, alright, that's it for today. Thank you for everyone tuned in and hopefully I'll catch you guys on my next episode. Bye.