Life With Tia Wolfe
Welcome to Life With Tia Wolfe, where I take you along my journey through life. Season 1 was about mental health through my personal life. Season 2 was about how our relationships affect our mental health. Season 3 is more focused on spiritual aspects of life and retelling my entire life story.
Life With Tia Wolfe
S3: E4 Part 3 of Life Story (20-25): Surviving College, Toxic Relationships, and Family Pressure: Healing & Self-Discovery
Have you ever felt overwhelmed juggling school, work, and personal relationships all at once? Join me on an emotional journey through the final stretch of college life, where I share the highs and lows of balancing internships, part-time jobs, and a budding new romance. The episode also touches on the complicated dynamics with my mother, who demanded my constant presence despite my packed schedule, and a distressing encounter at an Italian restaurant that tested my ability to stand up for myself.
What does it take to break free from a toxic relationship? I recount my harrowing experience in a four-year abusive relationship, detailing how deep-seated childhood trauma distorted my perception of normalcy. Despite friends' warnings, I found myself repeatedly returning to the dangerous situation, nearly losing my life in the process. This chapter is a raw and powerful exploration of trauma's grip and the indelible lessons learned on the path to healing and healthier relationships.
Pressure from family and cultural expectations can create immense emotional turmoil. Hear about my struggle with familial disapproval in an interracial relationship, culminating in a heart-wrenching confrontation in New York City. Alongside managing a demanding career and long-distance relationship, I faced relentless harassment and baseless accusations from family members, all while grappling with my mother's erratic behavior. This episode offers a candid look into the lasting impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships and sets the stage for a deeply revealing conclusion to my story.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Life with Tia Wolf. Today I am going through my 20s to share with you guys and kind of wrap up this story because it's been a while, not to mention, this time I'm actually not going to be recording it on video, this time I'm actually not going to be recording it on video, so this will just be on podcast for those who are listening. And I'm gonna get started. I actually think I will have one last episode for this to finally like wrap up my entire story, just because the last episode will kind of highlight these past couple of years where there's a huge transition on what's been going on in my life and how much life has changed in the past five years. So I'm going to get to it.
Speaker 1:So I actually don't know where I left off last, because it's kind of been a week since I recorded the last, because it's kind of been a week since I recorded the last one, but just from 20 starting, I am still in college and it was one of those things where you know, while you're finalizing college, you're trying to prepare for life and trying to understand where you're trying to go after college ends, and I actually graduated half a year earlier than expected because I just felt like college wasn't doing it for me. So around this time I became more and more busy because because I was having internships on top of still going to school full time and I was working part time at this point, so my schedule was pretty full. But I still managed to be in a relationship during this time and honestly, I don't know how I did it back then because the me now is just like that was so much energy that I didn't even have. But anyways, so that kind of normalized a little bit. But obviously my mother was still blowing up my phone because when I don't come home after a couple of days, obviously she's going to call and expect me to come back. And the last semester I did end up dorming in college just because it was just more convenient, considering everything I was doing was actually around my college doing was actually around my college. So it didn't make sense for me to drive back and forth. I don't really remember most of what was happening during this time when it came to my mother. I just know that I was really busy and I was ignoring her phone calls because, honestly, it was just really stressful Every time I talked to her, it was always what she needed from me and demanding that I go home, but it just wasn't convenient because my schedule was packed full. So, anyways, final semester of college, final semester of college, and this is going to kind of cover a little bit of my relationship. Obviously I don't want to get too much into it.
Speaker 1:But long story short, I did meet somebody during my last year of college sorry, my last semester of college and we started dating. And this was during a time where it was really interesting because I didn't realize how much I didn't know about relationships and also real life, because when we were dating it wasn't like we were official which I know nowadays we have a lot of situationships but but at that time it was still like, you know, you're talking to somebody. You may be talking to somebody else, but to me it was pretty serious. And around the following year, because I graduated in December, because I graduated in December, I believe in January, so like a month later, I started going to see him because he was still in college.
Speaker 1:And there was a night that I went out into the city with one of my friends, and this is going to get a little bit intense, but we were looking for places to have dinner, we were dressed up, it was a Saturday night and you know we're like 20 year olds, 21 year olds trying to have some fun, right? So we ended up on the west side of the city and we found this Italian spot and we were just having dinner. They were about to close soon and we were wrapping things up anyway. It wasn't a very packed restaurant, it wasn't very big either, but one thing led to another and then, all of a sudden, the owner of the restaurant ended up coming over, introducing himself and then sitting next to me, ended up coming over, introducing himself and then sitting next to me, and he started touching me on my thighs. Mind you, I was wearing a dress and it was one of those things that I didn't know what to do. I've never been in that position before. I had such a freeze response, and I didn't even know that I did because I just didn't know what to do, and my friend didn't know what to do either.
Speaker 1:So at that time, both of us is very reserved. We didn't speak up for ourselves, so I was just trying to brush his hand off, and every time I brushed it off. He would just bring his hands back onto my thighs and he would just like start putting it up my thigh. And it got to the point where I was so uncomfortable because obviously his workers know what's going on, but you know they're not going to get fired. So they didn't say anything, and I guess this happens pretty often. I'm not sure and there was a bunch of other people that were regulars.
Speaker 1:So I got up and went to the bathroom. Mind you, we're asking for the bill now because we're trying to leave, though you know, we had half a glass of wine just to pair with our meal. And okay, we're definitely 21 by now, just FYI, because I already turned 21 before I even graduated. So just for those who think I'm doing underage drinking, it's not. And so I came back and I sat back down and he didn't leave. So he started trying to hug me, trying to kiss me, kiss up on me, and I was trying to push him off and it just wasn't working out.
Speaker 1:So we paid and I was just trying to get out of there as best as I can and honestly, like I know now that situation, I would have handled it very differently, but at the time I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say, I didn't speak up for myself and I didn't want to make a scene. I didn't want to get up and just storm out. And I know, like you guys probably would think, oh, like, why did you even pay? Because he's literally sexually harassing you? But again, I didn't know what to do and I have manners and, like you know the way I was raised. It's one of those things where, when you're so used to authority controlling you, you kind of don't know what to do when you're backed up against the wall. And I know some of you guys will just say, like well, you know, for your safety you should have still done something. But honestly, I was in a freeze response and so was my friend, and so we left. I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1:So obviously I went straight back to his place and it just so happened that he was asleep. So I was pretty much banging on the door for like half an hour before he actually heard me, woke up and opened the door, which I felt really bad because he did have a roommate right next door and I wasn't trying to wake her. But it was just really hard to process and I didn't know what to do and I thought going to him was going to be the right thing to do, because obviously he's my man, he should be protective of me and you know, to kind of like step up and do something about it. But instead we got into a fight. He kicked me out because he was just like, if you can't protect yourself when you're out by yourself, like how do I expect to trust you?
Speaker 1:And it was one of those things that, like at the time, I didn't know what to think or say, and even now I don't really have much of a thought process to it because I would never be with somebody like that at this point. But at the time I was so heartbroken that he would just do that and all I wanted was his love. So I was calling him for days, trying to get him back, and it was so stupid because when I think about it is so stupid why would you go back to a man who pushed you out, argued with you, didn't even step up for you or comfort you in a situation like that, but blamed you for the whole situation, right? So anyways, with that being said, that situation blew over after like two weeks and one of my girls actually took me to the police station to help me with it and just to file a report, but ended up, you know, they kind of just dropped the case and I honestly don't know what exactly happened, but essentially the case was dropped and there was nothing to do about it and honestly now, like I don't even know if the restaurant is around I don't remember where it was because at the time, like I didn't really know the city, which obviously didn't help. So, that being said, I continue that relationship with him and obviously, like you know, when you're so young you kind of don't really realize a lot of these things, but there was obvious red flags, but nobody really was able to explain to me in that sense that, hey, this is like not what a healthy relationship is.
Speaker 1:Truth be told, I do have friends who did listen to me and they were telling me like, hey, I get very bad vibes from them but at the same time, like the way I date was so different from my friends that, like, of course, to them it would be bad vibes because that's not the type of men they would date. And I'm not saying like this is the type of man I would date, but because they had very specific expectations of how their partners show up versus mine. The way they were describing it just didn't really make sense to me, like, oh, that's not what I need in a man anyway. So it wasn't like, hey, black and white if he did this, this is what it actually means and this is not healthy because x, y and z, because nobody ever broke it down to me like that. It was kind of like trial and error.
Speaker 1:I got myself into a relationship and this happened to be almost four years, and it was the most toxic and abusive relationship. But every time I left I came back and during these four years it was pretty intense because there was a lot of red flags and I ignored every single one of it because my thought process was there's something wrong with me for me to not be able to stay in a relationship for a long time. So I was stubborn and forced the relationship to continue, even though I should have left, you know, during the first half a year of even that. But there was just so many red flags. There was definitely signs of abuse throughout the four years and it took for me to realize that I almost died in his hands for me to realize, okay, I need to walk away. And even so, during that period of time I was so numb to everything, I was so heartbroken, I just couldn't process it. And that's not to say like I haven't broken up with him like so many different times, because I knew it wasn't working, but my heart kept going back.
Speaker 1:So this is how trauma really like sits in your body is that you can't even tell what's healthy and what's not. And even if you know what's healthy, what's not, your body is so used to trauma that when you actually encounter a healthy individual with healthy attachments and a healthy way of having a relationship, you actually see it as a red flag because your body is so used to the abuse which stems from your childhood. So when I look back at it now, I realize the reason why I never broke free from him for so long was because he was a exact representation of my mother, just done in a different way. But it was literally the same thing the same type of emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse and spiritual abuse, like all of that was there and it never occurred to me because, again, like during that time, nobody was doing mental health and going to therapy as much as like we all do now, because we all need some form of therapy work, but at the time that wasn't as common.
Speaker 1:So when I look back at that relationship, it really was an eye-opener and I have to say I'm very grateful for it because if it wasn't him, it was going to be the next or the next or the next, just to be fair, because you don't learn until, like, something hurts so bad that it checks you and you have to really make a huge difference to change it, because otherwise what's going to happen is you're going to continue dating people who are similar, just different person, different time, maybe slightly different ways of doing things, but the themes are still there. So that relationship was a eye-opener for me because it made me realize how far off I was from what I thought my life was going to be. And so after I broke that off given I almost died before, that was like my decision I still ended up going back to him a half a year later because I thought, okay, now I'm in control, I have the upper hand and I have my own space and I had him move in with me and it just wasn't going very well either. So obviously after two months I lost my crap and I just kicked him out Although I think at that point he already was willing to leave too because we just realized it wasn't gonna work. And ironically, I still ended up crying when he left rather than feeling relieved.
Speaker 1:And that's how much stored trauma stays in your body and how much you think like, no matter how much it is, you can't break that cycle. But I stopped myself from going back because that was the end and I didn't want to go through that because that wasn't what I wanted, nor is that what I saw in my future. That I wanted, so that wouldn't make sense and I just had to get over it. That I wanted, so that wouldn't make sense and I just had to get over it. And that's not to say I didn't have my time to process things, because obviously by then I was really analyzing what went wrong and how did I get there, not realizing a lot of it was stemmed from childhood and the way my mother was. So during this time frame my mother obviously was still doing the same thing, and there was a year where I did break the news to her that I was seeing him, and this can be traumatic for a lot of people, but when I broke the news to her on Mother's Day I don't remember what year it was, but I broke the news that he was my boyfriend she lost her crap, that she literally tried to kill herself, and I didn't know what to do.
Speaker 1:This was in like New York City streets at night and she just like ran into the freaking street and was waiting for a car to hit her because she just was not willing to accept that, because one she's not open to me dating another race, and she just was not okay with like the whole situation at all and she demanded that I break things off with him or she's going to end her life. And you know, at that point I was like maybe 22 or 23. I don't even know. And that was like so much pressure and that's how much control there was over me at that time and I didn't know what to do. So I called my friend she was the only one who knew about this for a long, long, long time and I caught her, I told her the situation and she was freaking out for me. But she's like, just tell her. You guys broke up. I was like I hate lying. She's like there is nothing else you can do right now besides lie to her, because if you're not willing to break up with him, then you're going to have to her or she's gonna kill herself and it's gonna be on you and you're never gonna like live off that like you won't get over that because you couldn't tell her that you guys broke things off and she's over there still trying to kill herself.
Speaker 1:Um, luckily it was like so late at night that there wasn't that many cars coming by that I had to continuously watch her from stepping into the middle of the street while I'm on the phone with my friend discussing this. But yeah, it was, it was a lot and I didn't know what to do. It was like so much pressure under a very short period of time and I just had to go through it. So I eventually got off the phone. She thought I got off the phone with him, but obviously that wasn't the case and I just told her like okay, I broke things off with him. Now can you just get back home? And she was like are you sure? Like you know, she wasn't sure if I did it or not. I was like, yeah, just leave it alone, like I'm done, and I just went back to school that day.
Speaker 1:Um, I think I ended up staying with a friend at school because I just couldn't be around her. That was just too heavy for me to process and deal with, and this wasn't something I could tell him about either, because I realized early on like he wasn't gonna give me that support that I needed and that should have been enough for me to leave, right. But again, when you grow up in a household where you never felt that support, you don't know what you're looking for. And even if you got it, it wasn't gonna be comfortable, even though deep down, you want it. So that situation was insane and I forgot what exactly happened. But we just between me and him, it was very hot and cold. It was very much like I would break things off just to get back together with him, and I would spend a lot of my nights crying until five in the morning and I barely got any sleep. And again, this is like self-sabotage and torture, like physical abuse towards myself at this point, right, but again, you don't see that and you don't understand that when you're in this situation.
Speaker 1:So, anyways, I went somewhere with my best friend not my friend anymore, but at the time he was my best friend and he was also black. Oh, and my ex was black as well. So there's just this whole thing. Again, it doesn't really matter whether they're black or not, but my family is not open to any buddy. That's outside our culture, and if they were to be open to it, it would just be white people. So that's kind of what it is. And the fact that I have friends from all over the world with different cultures, different races, genders, non-gender it really doesn't matter to me because they're just my friends, but to her it was a big deal.
Speaker 1:So I was hanging out with him and then we were headed back to school, but I had to stop by my home to grab some things. But, being that we're headed the same way, I just offered to drive him back rather than him hopping on the train, since I'm headed there anyway, just to save him some money, because obviously, college, you know we're all broke. He was like, okay, so he stayed in the car because there was no way I was gonna let him come up and I was packing my bags. So she left the house at the time that I was packing my bags and I was like, okay, that's kind of weird. So she ran downstairs to check my car and she's never done that, for whatever reason. She just decided that was what she was gonna do that day. And then she saw him and she freaked out and she just went off. Mind you, I'm coming down the stairs and I see her trying to open my car door, trying to get him out of the car, and I'm just like, oh my goodness, like this is going to be a mess. And she thought he was my boyfriend and she just lost it. So I throw my bag into the car and then I start the car, I start driving off and then I hit a red light at the end of the street. Obviously she wasn't going to catch up at first and then she realized I was stopped at the red light. So she started running down the street trying to chase my car and I'm over here like oh my God, like I'm hoping it turns green, like immediately, because this is outrageous. And right when she tapped the trunk of my car it turned green and I took off.
Speaker 1:But for the next week she was calling me several times a day. I had like 50, 60 missed calls within one hour and it was like non-stop and it got to the point where I think at one point I probably just turned off my phone because I didn't know what to do, and it was just so overwhelming. But you know, every week I would have to come back and pack my bags and get new clothes, so I would have to come back. And when I came back the following week I did not hear the end of it. She was just in my face the whole entire time while I was ignoring her.
Speaker 1:Trying to pack and then being able to leave the house was another thing, because she was stopping me, blocking the door, and she was like we're moving, we're moving back home. I cannot have you date a black man, you know. And it was just insanity to me because I was like I'm not going anywhere and during this time I was working as a real estate agent, so I was up really early every single day to try and make cold calls and then go meet people to get potential listings. It was just the whole thing and it was just not convenient for me to stay at home anymore because this woman would not go to bed till six in the morning. So she's up all night just doing whatever she's doing and leaves the light on. So I wasn't able to sleep at all the days that I was even around, so it just didn't make sense for me to be around was even around, so it just didn't make sense for me to be around.
Speaker 1:But nonetheless, after I graduated college, I didn't get a job right away, so I had no choice but to move back and it got to the point where you know I wasn't going to break things off with this guy, my ex at the time. So we ended up making it official, official and next thing I know I was driving to see him every weekend. Um, and this is like a four, four and a half, maybe five hour drive one way, and it was just insane. But I did that every weekend and he never really came up, given his car wasn't the best, but he never came up more than maybe three times the entire time and the rest of the time I was there every single weekend. And once I finally got a job, everybody kind of knew that I was leaving town every single weekend to go see him. But everybody was just like you know, there's eligible bachelors here. Why don't you just date somebody here? And I was like I'm not going to leave him. We've been together for a while and it was just kind of stupid. But you know, at the time, like I was convinced I was in love with this guy, although it was really funny because I think deep down I knew I was never going to marry him. But you know, the feelings were there, so I just kind of left it out.
Speaker 1:What it is and, um, yeah, it was like a long distance relationship and during this time my mother would up and leave again. Um, so, being that I had a steady job, I wasn't gonna go with her. So I stayed and lived with my aunt and uncle, which wasn't that much better, because every time I would come home, my aunt would find something to yell at or talk about and argue about, when I wasn't even home, and she would just go into the room and accuse me of it being messy, although I was never really there and there's no reason why she should be going into the room. But whatever, it's her house. And I was never home because between working my full-time job, taking on another 20-hour part-time job and then going to the gym, coming home to meal prep and then going to bed, I was barely around anyway, you know. So it was stupid on that sense of like I was ever in trouble for anything, but every time I came home somebody was in my face about what I did, even though I was never around. So I was just pretty much the guinea pig to be blamed for everything.
Speaker 1:And it got to the point where I think this was like April and April is not a good time for me. It's Aries season, so I always get into fights with people. It sits in my third house and usually when I mean people, I mean my family members and honestly I mean Aries season. You know, like just Aries in general, that energy is like hothead, impulsive, ready to fight, type of energy. So imagine it being in my third house. It's like, yeah, this is a time where arguments usually happen and my mother decided to come back and she expected me to go help her and I was just like no, like I'm done enabling her just being impulsive and doing all these stupid things where she would up and leave and come back, up and leave and come back, like it's a waste of money, it's a waste of time and it's just stupid all around, but nonetheless she figured out a way to come back because obviously, when she decides on something, nobody's stopping her, so she comes back.
Speaker 1:But that was the same day I was cooking and I was just minding my own business. I had my music on because I really don't want to be around to hear them yell at me and honestly, it's like not important, because whatever they're yelling about has nothing to do with me being able to fix anything, because it's not even a problem. But they just want to find something to argue about. So I was cooking and then my uncle decided to get in my way and he was just telling me how to cook, telling me how to make my food, and like I need to cook this more thoroughly, blah, blah, blah. And I guess, like for him. He thinks like he has a right to say something because he is a chef. But like, come on, I'm making this food for me, it's not for anybody else. Why do you care how I'm making my food? But anyways, my food's done cooking. I'm telling him to get out of the way and he's like, if I don't get out of the way, what are you going to do? I'm like, if you don't get out of the way, I'm going to burn you because, come on like I have a hot pan. I'm trying to put the food in a container and you're literally in my way and he's like, well, well, then burn me.
Speaker 1:And at this point, like I lost it. We were about to fight and I thought, right then, right there, I was gonna go to jail and I don't even feel bad for it, because he was asking for it. And the next thing I know, my aunt comes over, pulls out my headphones and starts yelling at me at the top of her lungs. So now two of them are yelling at me and I'm just like, I'm just trying to mind my own business. I made my food. Literally, they don't even pay for the food. I buy my own groceries, I make the food, I cook it, I prep it and I leave Like I'm not in anybody's way because I only cook when the kitchen's available. You know, I'm already not trying to be in anybody's faces because I don't want to hear it. There's no reason for anybody to be yelling at me, but the fact that they are just because they want to do something to pick a fight with me. So my mother comes back that same day and she realized that we're getting into a fight, so she gets into the middle of it and then starts yelling at me to stop the fight and I just lost it.
Speaker 1:So that same weekend I moved out and I moved in with a co-worker because he had a spare room and you know I was like, okay, well, the rent is doable, so might as well. I didn't have a lot saved up because my student loans were so high, but I was able to afford that. So I didn't tell my boyfriend and he eventually found out, because he decided to play a prank and said he showed up at my door and I was like what do you mean? You showed up at my door, like one thing is the fact that like, oh, it's going to be a big problem because a black man showing up in an Asian household, like that is no bueno. And I was just like I'm not there. And so, like you know, eventually he found out. I moved out a month ago and then he gave me the ultimatum that if I don't move in with him then we're breaking up. And of course I fell for the ultimatum, didn't want to lose him, so I decided to quit my job and move back with no job guaranteed, and then we moved in together and that, literally, the fight happened where I almost lost my life happened two months later and that was pretty much my first part of my 20s, and that's insanity.
Speaker 1:But anyways, you know, by the time I became 25, I realized like, okay, this is a time one where, you know, your brain starts maturing fully, because now it's like fully developed and I realized, like I just cannot live this kind of life anymore. I just left home, I ignored everybody, I blocked my entire family, including my mother, because what she ended up doing was saying I went missing. And so word got around to my old company that like I was missing, and so my entire team and everybody else I worked with started blowing up my phone as well, like hey, are you okay? Like your mother is looking for you. She said you went missing and I got like another hundred missed calls, messages like in total, on top of my family and her blowing up my phone. So I ended up just like turning off my phone for the whole weekend and it was just so bad that, like you know, I had really good relationships with these people and now it's ruined because of her.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to explain myself for what was going on in my life personally. You know, like they're my co-workers and some of them became my friends, yes, but it really isn't their business. And so, like now, my entire old company thinks I am a terrible daughter who, like just abandoned her mother and, like you know, I'm not going to explain myself, so, whatever, they just saw me in the light that they did and I just realized, like okay, there goes my relationships with them. And so during that time it was just a lot, because I also up and left and I went homeless for the first time because I didn't have any money, I couldn't find a job at that time and I wasn't going to live with him because, you know, I almost lost my life. So that was a pretty intense time.
Speaker 1:Honestly, around between 24 to 26 was a really intense time and I just had to really like sit with myself and I was bouncing around my friends' homes because I had nowhere to stay. All of my stuff was like scrambled across like five different people's homes and I never knew where anything was. I just had a gym bag with me so I would have like fresh clothes, but that was it, and during that time I was really lost. I was really depressed. It was one of those things that I didn't know what I was going to do, but like, hey, this is the life I'm living now, so it is what it is, and I needed to go heal, I needed to go work on myself, I needed to recognize where I went wrong and what I'm trying to get at for my life, because this wasn't it and yeah, that was.
Speaker 1:That was a crazy time when I think about it.
Speaker 1:There was just so much going on and I barely slept. I was depressed. I just for a good couple of years around that time I barely slept, because it's really hard for me to sleep, you know, either in the same bed with somebody sharing that, or on the couch, or in a blow up bed. And I tried my best, you know. But I think it was just also the fact that I didn't have a place where I could call home and you know, it was the fact that I was homeless. So I was doing the best I can to kind of get myself back to being in a place, having a home, and so I think I'm going to leave it at that for now, because this is where the transition starts happening, before I get into the current part of my life.
Speaker 1:Now. That time of my life was really intense, but like it needed to happen, the way it did for me to get to where I am today. So stay tuned for my last episode of the story and I know this is probably the most intense one out of all of them because it was really much tied in into my relationship as well, to my relationship as well. But I wanted to share how much the impact we have in our childhood and, you know, our years with our family, how much that relayed over to our relationships. So that's it for now. Thank you for tuning in and I will catch you guys soon.