Life With Tia Wolfe
Welcome to Life With Tia Wolfe, where I take you along my journey through life. Season 1 was about mental health through my personal life. Season 2 was about how our relationships affect our mental health. Season 3 is more focused on spiritual aspects of life and retelling my entire life story.
Life With Tia Wolfe
S3: E5 Final Chapter of My Story (25-Current) Transforming Past Pain into Future Strength
Can unresolved childhood issues and past traumas shape our adult relationships and self-identity? Join me on Life with Tia Wolf as I unravel a deeply personal journey that began with a vow made in my mid-20s—a vow to never enter another relationship after surviving an abusive one. However, life had other plans, and soon I found myself in a healthier two-year relationship that still unveiled significant personal struggles and severe depression. Listen as I recount how these experiences led to the tough realization that I wasn't ready to be the partner I wanted to be, prompting a dedicated focus on personal growth and healing over the next five to six years.
In this heartfelt episode, we delve into the importance of personal boundaries, self-worth, and the lifelong journey of self-discovery. Learn how to differentiate between rejection and setting healthy boundaries, and explore the unique challenges faced by those, like myself, who identify as projectors in human design. As I embrace the exciting and uncertain path ahead, filled with gratitude for the growth and positive changes that come with breaking past patterns, this episode is a candid reflection on the importance of prioritizing self-care and accountability in pursuit of a brighter future. Thank you for being part of this transformative journey.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Life with Tia Wolf. Today I am going to be sharing the last chapter of this part of my life. I do want to mention that I will be sharing the last eight or so years of what's happening from the last episode. What's happening from the last episode Now.
Speaker 1:We're in like my mid-20s and I am at this point where I swore to myself that I won't be getting into another relationship because of the abusive relationship I was in. That was about four years and it just hit me that like I didn't know who I was, I lost my identity. I pretty much gave everything of me to my ex and I didn't get any of it back, and obviously there's a lot of things there that clearly I had to work through. When you think about your childhood, a lot of these things do get carried over, as I've mentioned in my last video, that when we don't address the issues that we had in our childhood and even just through school and just our connections and relationships with other people that you know have hurt us and we just kind of keep it to ourselves, these things will come back up to be reflected on or it will make an impact in our relations with new people. So I realized that I wasn't where I wanted to be. I never thought that I would get into a relationship where it was that abusive and toxic. And I didn't walk away and I can't stay in a long term relationship because I thought I had commitment issues, which I did, but that was not the reason why I wasn't staying in a relationship for a long time. I just genuinely didn't find the people to really be somebody I could see myself with long term. But at the short term frame it was possible because I was still so young and you know, it's one of those things that you don't really know until you try. And then, when you actually get into the relationship, you realize you guys aren't as compatible as you thought and so when you're that young, you don't always think about the future, right. So you get into these relationships thinking they're going to work out, because you really like them, they're really attractive, you know. And then you realize, like you know, it isn't really going to work, but anyways. So I swore to myself I'm not going to get into any relationships again until I work on myself, until I work on myself and fast forward.
Speaker 1:Like two months later I met my last ex and um, even though I swore to myself that it wasn't gonna work out, or just not being able to give it a chance, we kind of just went with things and over time it developed into a relationship and that was almost two years and that was one of those relationships where you realize how much you need to grow and he definitely pushed me to be a better person. But there was still a lot of things that I was already doing with my last relationship, that I was doing with my abusive relationship and you know, over time I was also going through severe depression. There were other issues that I had going on in my personal life and I just wasn't in the right mind to be a proper girlfriend, to the idea of what I thought I would be. So I don't know if you guys know this, but, like some of us or maybe all of us have a standard to how we hold to ourselves in terms of the type of relationships we get into, as well as how we show up for a person, depending on the title that we choose, which means like, hey, if you've decided you're going to be a girlfriend, what does that mean for you? Like, what expectations do you have of yourself that you don't have if you don't have that title Right? So by the end of the relationship and honestly, we had our own issues as well. But every person I've been with it's one of those things where it gets better. But even though it's getting better, it's also unraveling a lot more issues that you have within yourself and I'm not saying everybody is that reflective to know, like, what is going wrong, because sometimes they just go into the next relationship, and definitely that was me.
Speaker 1:For a long time I barely had a break between my exes and it wasn't like I was looking which is usually the case, right, like things come to you when you're not looking and so this relationship has taught me a lot about myself during that time frame and I realized that I just wasn't in the mental capacity to be able to be a girlfriend, and that was kind of the breaking point because I was barely even showing up for myself. And you kind of realize that, like when you need to figure out who you are and how you're going to show up and the things that you were doing wrong, you really don't have capacity to show up for somebody else, and if you think you do, then you're again like sacrificing yourself or compromising yourself for somebody else when you're not even ready to. And that's why it's true that sometimes when you get out of a relationship, or somebody has just gotten out of a relationship, yeah, they may be dating around but they are in no capacity to get into another relationship, especially if it's taken many years out of their life where they just haven't been in the dating scene. Because when you're involved with somebody, it's not just about you anymore. You're still growing, but you're always accounting for the other person, or so we hope so.
Speaker 1:Eventually I did break things off, and that was pretty hard because he was amazing and he was somebody that I really could have really seen a future with. But at the current time I wasn't able to just show up and be there, so broke things off and I kind of just went my own way, really focusing on myself, and for a whole year after like it's funny, because he thought I broke things off with him so I could be with somebody else. But that was absolutely not the case and obviously that just stems from his own trauma from his past relationships. So rather than believing me, it was triggering his own wounds, right? So, anyways, I've just spent the past five-ish years six years, to really work on myself, focus on myself, and this is also the timeframe where I I started my spiritual journey and I really dove into astrology. But that wasn't the only thing.
Speaker 1:During that time I was so lost, I didn't know who I was. I was really desperate to figure out what could help me, and at the time I didn't believe in therapy because I just felt like there was such a standard way of doing things and being that I don't have like a normal case, because, yeah, the trauma is the same, the emotions are the same, but, like the situations of how it's unfolded, people don't really talk about it, or when they do share their stories, it's never that intense. So I knew there were a lot of layers that I just had to figure out on my own, and so I realized, like the first two years, I just really had to like dive deep into research, which is what I love to do, and I also started studying psychology child psychology, which is very different from adult psychology, and parenting skills, love, relationship stuff, communication. There's just like so many layers that I had to learn about Because clearly I didn't want to continue repeating all of the patterns that I've had for so long. So for about three years I pretty much stayed away from the dating scene.
Speaker 1:That's not to say I didn't like people, but it was just one of those things that I needed to put myself first and I really needed to know that. I needed to put myself first and I really needed to know who I am before I even know what I'm looking for. Because people don't realize this like yes, there's a certain point where you kind of need to go outside and like date people to realize, like, the things that you think you like is it really what you like or it's just something that sounds good on paper but it's not really ideal for you. But for, is it really what you like? Or it's just something that sounds good on paper but it's not really ideal for you? But for me it was more. I've always done the trial and error thing. I've always gone after the people that I like and I've learned things that do work for me and things that don't. But it's a matter of like who am I and what do I look for in a partner?
Speaker 1:Now, because I was very open to just anything and everything and I realized that kind of says that you don't respect yourself and you don't have boundaries, because if you know anything about yourself, you're not gonna tolerate certain things that you know aren't for you. But because I was so in doubt with me and like what I wanted that I was willing to try anything, even though I already knew there were certain things that I didn't like. I didn't trust myself to make the proper decisions because growing up I was told that I was wrong. Whenever I had gut feelings, whenever I had like my own thoughts, they were always being changed in my head by adults saying that I'm wrong or that's not how it should be, and so I taught myself to overwrite my own thoughts, gut feelings, and because of that I couldn't tell right from wrong for a long time. And even when my body was really like you know, this isn't it I just ignored it because I was literally taught not to trust myself growing up.
Speaker 1:So there was a lot of trial and error, but really I just spent so much time by myself and I am so grateful for the friends that I've met and have over these past couple of years, because without them I don't think I could be here, because there was so much heaviness that I had to work through and I really needed the emotional support. But you know and I'm really grateful for them because, to be fair, like there was a point where some of my friends was like hey, like I cannot be here for you all the time and this is, like you know, my issue with codependency I didn't realize I was codependent. But you know, a lot of times when somebody say that to you, you'll probably be butthurt and then you just think they're a bad friend. But like, when I look back at it, on hindsight, and I knew at the time too, like they were right, I can't depend on them forever and I can't expect them to be there for me forever, because I'm a grown adult, like I need to know how to regulate my own emotions. Adult, like I need to know how to regulate my own emotions, and so it was harder, but like I allowed them to just kind of like slowly break things off, and I don't mean as in like oh, we're not friends anymore. But it was one of those things where, you know, they stopped responding as often and you know, when I was going through stuff, like I would still reach out to them, but then I'll end up working things out on my own throughout time, and it's gotten to a point now where I feel really good being able to ride through the heavy emotions that I have without somebody being there, and that's not to say when it gets really really bad.
Speaker 1:I don't reach out to anybody because, like, why else do you have friends? Why else do you have support? Right, they should be able to be there from time to time. But know the balance, know where you stand before it becomes too much, because when it comes to relationships, it really is all about a balancing act, and I don't just mean romantic relationships, I mean all sorts of relation with another person, because we still need to put ourselves first, but we also want to be there for other people.
Speaker 1:So, over these past several years and for those who do know astrology, I had my Saturn return in the first house, and so that was really about who am I, how am I showing up in the world, what is my identity, how do I want to show up and how do people see me, and these were things that, like, I had to figure out because up until this point, I was what everybody else wanted me to be and it was just easy to be like that because I was a people pleaser and so forget me. I was always trying to be there for other people. But then you know, over time people take you for granted. People don't show up for you the same way you show up for them and you don't realize your own worth. You don't show up for you the same way you show up for them and you don't realize your own worth. You don't realize your own value. People are going to take advantage of you because you allow it and you're going to say like, oh well, people should know better, people should be better people. But it's like it doesn't matter how much people try to do that, because only people who have gone through a lot usually is like tiptoeing on these things.
Speaker 1:Somebody who's had a healthy relationship generally have a certain extent of what they expect from you, but everybody has different levels of what they need. So what they're willing to accept and what they're willing to give may be very different from yours, but they can't tell you how and what you need and how much of it. They expect you to communicate with them, because in a healthy relationship, people communicate their needs, people communicate their boundaries. People communicate their needs, people communicate their boundaries. So these were all things that I had to learn and I'm really grateful for my friends to set that boundary, like, hey, this is a lot for me now and it doesn't mean they don't want to be there, it doesn't mean they don't want to show up or they're not my friend, that's just their boundary. And some people can take it personally, but I took it as, like, you're right, and that's teaching me that I need to have my own boundaries, because I would give and give and give and, like you know, there comes a point people will continue taking, but even so, like some people don't want it because it's too much.
Speaker 1:So I am really blessed I am really really, really blessed, to be honest to have friends who were really supportive of me, to really teach me my own boundaries by setting their own boundaries but still respecting me and still showing up for me when I really need them. But that's, like you know, on me to also be like, hey, I really need your help now, because it's very easy for somebody to shut down after that and just not ask for help anymore because they hit that rejection. But rejection and boundaries are different. But we're not going to know that if you don't separate the two. So I've spent the past eight years studying astrology. I've also dived into human design over the past two years, like really extremely, because I'm a projector and we just operate really differently. Therefore, even the relationships that we have are also very different from the masses.
Speaker 1:So not only that, these past eight years have been like really heavy, heavy lessons to really bring me back to power within myself. And the only way you can do that is like really getting to know who you are and what you stand for and what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not. And then for those things that you're not sure about, because it could range depending on the person, or you just don't know where the range is yet, and I think that's always going to be one of those things where, like, you're going to have a balancing act on, because you know everybody has different lessons. But I think for me it's the balance of like how much am I showing up for myself and then how much can I show up for other people? Pretty much like my entire life it was always for other people and zero for me, and over time, like that drained so much out of me that it was not feasible on my end. Like how could I pour into somebody else's cup if my cup is already empty? Like at the end of the day, we live for ourselves and no one else is gonna have you and have your back more than you do for yourself. So if you decide to kick yourself in the curb, other people are going to do the same, because you are the one who's leading your life and you are teaching other people how to work with you and like, where is, like the boundaries of like okay, this is where it needs to stop.
Speaker 1:Honestly, especially these past few years, like I've really had to work on my self-worth and value, like what is my own value? Because once you develop a new personality or a new identity, your worth will also change. Your worth is not external, which a lot of us do tie our worth to. It's actually internal, and how you see yourself is how other people are going to see you. You know, a lot of times we could blame other people for mistreating us, but it's also the fact that we are mistreating ourselves in some way for other people to be able to mistreat us, whether people see it or not.
Speaker 1:Physically we set the rules and whether people honor it or not. Physically, we set the rules, and whether people honor it or not is one thing, whether we're going to honor it for ourselves is another. And so you know you hear a lot of times like we have to be disciplined with other people, but like a lot of times people don't even discipline themselves. Like they know they should be doing something but they do something else anyway. That's not good for them and so like that's you not respecting yourself. And sometimes, when you grow up in a household where they literally break down your boundaries and they show you no respect, you feel like you don't deserve it.
Speaker 1:And there's all these stories, and especially like if you don't come from a healthy household, you kind of have to figure this out all on your own throughout time Right, because no one else is going to talk about this stuff to you that you really have no idea. And if you just don't even work on yourself, these are always going to be issues that come up and you're going to wonder why things aren't working out. But you don't even know that you're creating all of this. And for some people that's like wow, there's so much accountability. It's like not my fault. And it's like like, wow, there's so much accountability. It's like not my fault.
Speaker 1:And it's like you know, once you become an adult, like everything is on you, unfortunately. You know like it's easy for us to be like, oh well, we want other people to show up for us. It's like, yeah, but are you showing up for yourself first? Like why would you ask other people to give you something that you don't even give yourself? I think that's not even fair. And this is one of those things that, like it just weighs heavy on my heart because the fact that I had to go through all of this and I don't blame it because it's made me wiser, it's made me become who I am and I am a lot more powerful for it but it's one of those things where, like there's a lot of times people don't even know how to be a healthy adult because there is no guide, there is no answer.
Speaker 1:And you know like when you think about school, right, you'll go through 12 years of school, between first grade and 12th grade, not including if you decide to go to college and like extended college, or like you went to kindergarten and preschool, like after that no one tells you what to do. You know. And like during school, people tell you right from wrong. People tell you what to do, right. So imagine you were taught your entire life to listen to somebody and then, once you became an adult and you no longer go to school, besides the job that you hold, you know, and like you already know, what you have to do when you go into work. Right, it's not, it's pretty much not tied into your daily life. Outside of that, you don't even know what to do with your life because no one else is telling you what to do. Like you just went from somebody was telling you what to do to the complete opposite.
Speaker 1:And a lot of times people are like, oh my God, finally freedom. Right. But like then they hit that crash, like they don't know how to be an adult. And like, if your parents aren't scolding you, if your parents are not telling you what to do anymore, and, like you know, a lot of times, like once you hit your mid twenties, like you don't even listen to your parents anymore, right. So like now you're kind of running crazy because no one's disciplining you and you're not going to do that to yourself, because no one has taught you to Right, unless, like you know, growing up, you were expected to do chores. You were just expected to be an adult or to take care of things, because as you grow up, you're going to have to need to do these things yourself.
Speaker 1:I cannot be in a better place than I am today because of all of the work I've done and when you're somebody who've literally been so out of your power for most of your life and you've given it away to people who, literally you're people pleasing them at the expense of yourself, and then now you come back to yourself and you realize like, wow, you're doing all of this stuff to yourself, you're hurting yourself, and then you stop doing that and then you're working on yourself, and then you start seeing your own value. You just feel amazing Once you hit this point. Yes, it's been a lot of work to get here, but once you hit this point you're just like, oh my God, like I can't believe I've lived any other way than this way and it feels really empowering. You know, but like, do know, like it does take some work, it's not okay. Like over time some of it can be worked through and healed with time, but not everything. You know.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, like, we really do have to address the root of the issue, like where did it come from? Because when we were super young, we were pure, we didn't know right from wrong and we just didn't know how to live life. We needed guidance from everything and anything. So we'll pick up bad habits and I know nobody's perfect but we get to a point where things start to be okay. And are you willing to accept that? Because if not, you got to continue.
Speaker 1:But anyways, pretty much long story short, I am very blessed to be where I am today and I know this is the final chapter of this part of my life where I don't have to struggle the way I used to anymore. I don't have to continue replaying those stories from the past because it's still being brought into my present and repeating it into my future if I continue to bring it up. And, like, I've definitely been feeling where it's time for me to let all of this go and I've been doing a massive purge over the past couple weeks and I'm continuing to do so right before my birthday and I'm just really, really thankful and blessed to be where I am today. But again, like I also have to be thankful to myself for being willing to do this kind of work for myself because I see myself as worth it. You know, sometimes you have to see yourself as worth it to even put in that effort, but but anyways, thank you for tuning in and really checking through all of my story. I know it's been a really long, long journey for you guys even to be listening and joining in with me on this.
Speaker 1:So I am really, really grateful and I can't wait to share my next chapter, my next book really of my life, and I know it's gonna be so different. I don't wait to share my next chapter, my next book really of my life, and I know it's going to be so different. I don't know what it's even going to look like just yet, but it's going to be so different from what I know now because when you get yourself to a certain level, you don't repeat the same stuff you used to do in the past. Your future is going to look very different and sometimes that can be scary, but I, your future is going to look very different and sometimes that can be scary, but I know it's going to be all good things. So, yeah, that's it and thank you for tuning in. I am very, very thankful again for you guys to be in here tuning in with me, and I will catch you guys on my next video.