Life With Tia Wolfe
Welcome to Life With Tia Wolfe, where I take you along my journey through life. Season 1 was about mental health through my personal life. Season 2 was about how our relationships affect our mental health. Season 3 is more focused on spiritual aspects of life and retelling my entire life story.
Life With Tia Wolfe
S3: E6 Navigating Situationships, Commitment Issues, and Emotional Clarity: How Past Experiences Shape Our Approach to Commitment
Can you imagine the frustration when you're deeply invested in someone who remains non-committal? In today's episode of Life with Tia Wolfe, we explore the heart-wrenching dynamics of situationships. I share a personal story about a friend navigating this emotionally charged landscape, spotlighting the contrasting depths of feelings that can lead to painful misunderstandings. If you've ever found yourself entangled in a relationship where intentions are murky and the emotional toll seems overwhelming, this episode offers insights and practical advice on maintaining self-respect and achieving emotional clarity.
Relationships can be a maze of mixed signals and emotional turmoil, as evident in a real-life scenario we discuss. Picture a couple who stop communicating after an argument, only for the woman to later reveal she's seeing someone new, yet still plans to visit her former partner. Such convoluted situations underscore the importance of honest communication and clear boundaries, particularly when one person steps back or sends mixed messages. We delve into how men and women handle these scenarios differently, stressing the necessity of self-awareness and intentionality in fostering healthy connections.
Lastly, we tackle commitment issues and the role of self-awareness in overcoming them. Fears rooted in past experiences can haunt current relationships, making it crucial to resolve personal issues before committing to someone else. Through a candid discussion, we highlight the importance of emotional clarity, realistic assessments, and the need to accept your partner's flaws for long-term harmony. Marriage isn't a quick fix for unresolved problems; it often magnifies existing issues. Join us for an episode brimming with guidance on making informed decisions and nurturing healthier relationships.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Life with Tia Wolf. Today, I'm going to be sharing with you something a little bit more personal, and I did get permission for this, so the okay is there and we are going to get right into it. I'm not going to get into too many details because I want to keep it a little bit more general, because this is something that I see in today's world very commonly now, and I was channeling when it was time for me to give my guidance and advice, and I feel like this is something that many of us need to hear, so I'm going to just get right into it. So one of my friends called me today and he's in a little bit of a situation. Long story short, because I'm going to keep it private pretty much. He just called me for some advice, relationship advice, and this is something I've been doing my entire life. All of my friends tend to come to me at different aspects of their lives when it comes to relationships, given not all of them take it, but in the end, most of them do come back and, you know, told me that they should have just done what I recommended them to do in the first place. But you know there's a time and place for all of that. So the situation that he was in is not as uncommon as I would think.
Speaker 1:Nowadays we don't really get into relationships anymore. I feel like that's something that we used to do a lot of and have serious relationships. But now, you know, a lot of times people are casually dating or just in situationships. So this particular case it's been a couple of years spanning, and I know some of you guys who are listening to this know that situationships are usually something that lasts for a couple years. I mean, if you're lucky you get out of it early, and this isn't in particular to him, but in general you don't want to be in a situationship because usually it's one party having some sort of feelings for the other but the other person doesn't want to commit or they're not really into it, so they choose to be friends with benefits. And you know, over time, when you're having sexual relationships with somebody, over time you tend to develop feelings if you're not involved with anybody else.
Speaker 1:And so that was the case with this one, where he developed feelings and she decided that she didn't want anything but her friends would benefit situation and so he was okay with it and over time, they obviously spent a lot of time together and I know you guys know a situationship isn't just sex. Usually they're your cuddle buddy. Sometimes you hit them up just to like watch a movie, hang out, chill. You know it's still a relationship. Nonetheless, they spent a good amount of time together and you know she ended up developing feelings.
Speaker 1:And then I would hope that people know that when women develop feelings, usually they do a lot for the man, and this could not just be cooking and cleaning, but being very attentive, always being there, always being available, spending a lot of time, trying to spend time with them. You know, everybody's love language is different, but in this case in particular, she made it clear that she had feelings down the road and you know it was something that you know it was something that he just realized he didn't want to commit, and it's not that he didn't want to I don't genuinely believe that most people don't want to commit but that there's always something more, and for him it was fear. So the fear of commitment is a very common one. So the fear of commitment is a very common one. I've definitely had that in my life and it took a long time for me to work it out, but the root cause of fear of commitment usually ranges per person, so there's not one solution to this. But nonetheless, time has passed by and I know I'm skipping a lot of details because, again, I want to maintain privacy but still grasp the general idea of this, so that you guys can sort of relate to this and see how what I'm going to share with you in terms of guidance would be beneficial to you if you're in this situation, would be beneficial to you if you're in this situation and even if not, it's a good advice to have if you're thinking about your future or if you're planning on settling down one day, or just you know big life decisions.
Speaker 1:So you know, long story short, some stuff happened. They started getting into fights, and this is common, right? Like situationships, either you don't want to rock the boat or you guys have already talked about this and it was very made clear that the other person doesn't want to be in a relationship, but they want to continue this situationship. That's not to say like you're not showing up for somebody, right? You still want to show up for them because you like being around them, you like hanging out with them, but you don't want that commitment, for whatever reason. And so, you know, for a long time this gets carried out, and then there comes a point where somebody hit that straw and they lose it and they're just done, or they stop talking, or they get into a fight and, just, you know, go their separate ways.
Speaker 1:However, in this situation, she made plans to go visit him a couple months down the road, but they haven't spoken in a couple months after that happened, and he was distancing himself, and you know this is very common stuff. So, ladies, I hope you understand that, like, when men aren't ready to commit, there's no shade to him, like I've already talked about this with him. But it's just that when a man isn't ready to commit and you know you guys are starting to get into fights, it's very normal for a man to shut down and withdraw. If you haven't done that already, because there is no solution, you know, like, you guys can argue and, argue and argue, but there comes a point where you guys are exhausted and you don't want to argue anymore because the answer is the same. So, anyways, I'm gonna continue with this Pretty much. Anyways, I'm going to continue with this Pretty much.
Speaker 1:You know, they stopped talking for a while. They started talking again a couple months down the road and she told him that she started seeing somebody new and she doesn't want him to pursue her anymore. She just wanted to let him know, but she still wants to come and visit him. So you know, this situation is pretty messy and like I may not know her full reason, but there's always a reason why, like she's not cutting the whole thing off right, either you don't respect yourself or you want your cake and to eat it too. But that's just like two of like many other scenarios that can come out of this.
Speaker 1:And you know, this obviously is very upsetting because to him he has slowly fallen back from speaking to her and all of that, but like he's there without being there. You know, and again, this is a very common situation when it comes to men who's choosing not to commit and honestly, it could be the same vice versa nowadays. So I'm not saying this is just generalized to men, but I do see this more commonly with men. Things may have changed nowadays in the dating world, but from what I know it's a pretty common thing. This has been around for a long time. So obviously he's hurt, he's surprised because obviously he still has feelings and you know it's also his fault that he didn't make the effort when they were in a situationship together. He was falling back, he didn't appreciate her, he wasn't putting in the effort to show her that he cared or that he cared in the way that women want to be cared for. He may see it as he is caring or he might not be. You know, it doesn't really matter.
Speaker 1:The situation is that on the receiving end for her, she saw it as like he stepped back. Then, to be fair, if you haven't talked to somebody after an argument for two to three months, most of the time people are going to see it as you guys broke up and the situation and ship is over. Even if you guys didn't talk about it, it's over. So I'm not surprised that she did move on. I mean, you know there could be a lot of miscommunication there. I'm not very sure I didn't ask for all of the details, but essentially she's seeing somebody new and he's hurt. So he's calling me, asking me for guidance after sharing the whole story and I'm going to try and remember what I shared with him because I was going off for a little bit, but I know I remember a little tidbit of it and I'm hopefully hoping. I'm hoping that I can still share most of what I channeled towards him.
Speaker 1:And the thing is that you know he's choosing to step up, like it took for another man to come into her life, for him to step up and realize he wants to be with her, but now it's kind of too late. Whether it's really too late or not, I'm not really sure because you know it's still fresh in. It was only two months and that's not a lot of time. And let's just be real, like, the first six months is usually the honeymoon period. So with women, especially if they fall easily, they fall really fast and they just run to the hills believing that, like this is their true love and all of that. You know, not every woman's like that, but I hear this a lot. So you know she's choosing to walk away from this and he's realizing he lost a good one and he wants to win her back. However, she told him not to pursue her anymore, but she is still coming to see him, you know, within the next month. So to me, I'm taking it as well.
Speaker 1:There's so many layers to this, but the first layer of this is that there's still something there, and whatever it is, I'm not very sure because obviously I'm not talking to her. I'm talking to my guy friend. But when it comes to stuff like this, when you are truly over somebody and you've moved on to somebody else, unless you haven't healed this part of you where you want to have a healthy relationship and I'm not saying every single relationship is like this but if you guys started out as friends first and then chose to be in a situationship and then fell off without actually having that conversation, that you guys are broken up, you know there's still leftover feelings there, even if she's telling you you know it's done, don't pursue me. Some women want to say that because they want to see that you are going to make that effort to pursue her. Other women will say that and actually genuinely don't want you to pursue her. So it really just depends on each woman and I know this is where it gets confusing, because every woman is different, it's true.
Speaker 1:So, when it comes to this situation, there's a lot of things that he needed to reflect on, and I'm sharing this because I think a lot of people don't realize how many layers there is when it comes to relationships like this, because healthy relationships don't start out as a situation ship. You start out genuinely getting to know each other, wanting to spend more time with each other, and then getting into a relationship and that's like the original plan until you guys decide it's not going to work right. Like we can't say we're gonna date and we're gonna be there for each other forever and we're gonna get married, have kids, settle down, because anything can happen. But the fact that you have that intention is you being on the right track. So this is a theme from his last relationship that he wasn't able to commit fully. They were in a long term relationship for a while and they were living in separate cities and she wanted him to move there and he was not going to. But if she was willing to move with him, that's OK. Then neither one of them wanted to make it work.
Speaker 1:Obviously, you know when you're in your early 20s, depending on where you live, there's no rush. But, like once you're in your mid to late 20s or even in your early 30s, there's this biological clock running right. I'm not saying everybody needs to follow it, but the general masses have an awareness of women having a biological clock because they want to have kids. And obviously, even though kids are being born later and later now and they're still really healthy, are being born later and later now and they're still really healthy, that's still the persona or the mindset of choosing to have kids young because you're still healthy, the kid is healthy.
Speaker 1:So anyways, continuing with the story, that relationship didn't work. They broke things off because there really was no solution. Either one of them was willing to move to the other city with each other, and so you know there is no solution and it's not going to work, and that's that right. But this situation is different because he realized, when there was another man in the picture, he want her back, like he want to make in that effort, and he's reflecting and all of that. And I have to share with you ladies some men do need for you to move on, for them to realize they don't want to lose you. And it's unfortunate, it's not a good excuse, but there are some men out there that needs that primal instinct to be triggered, for them to realize what is valuable and what's not, because sometimes people get comfortable, they get comfortable and even when you put the pressure, they rather walk, because to them is still a choice, whereas if you've decided to remove yourself completely, they don't have a choice, whereas if you've decided to remove yourself completely, they don't have a choice.
Speaker 1:No-transcript man. Did I really lose a good one, or I'm just going to let it go? So there's a lot of other things that also came up and I'm going to try and get all of this out, but it was a really long conversation, so I don't know how much of it I'm going to get in, but I want to get the overall gist of it. The layers get more complex because she said, hey, let's be friends, and he agreed with it. And he told me that, like, he's gonna do everything he can to be supportive and still be there for her, and that's where I had to, like step in amongst other parts of the story, had to step in on this one, because what that said was that you don't respect yourself because she's telling you that she's not wanting you to pursue her anymore and she's involved with another man, but she's still coming to see you. Like that put you like up against the wall and you don't have a choice. The wall and you don't have a choice.
Speaker 1:And if you're willing to accept this and, like you know, take breadcrumbs, because for her it's, she's having her cake and eating it too. And I want to say, like I'm saying he and she right here, but it doesn't matter. Like the roles can be reversed. Situations are generally about the same, regardless of gender, sex, whatever. Nowadays it doesn't matter. Whoever plays this role, whoever plays that role, just apply it to that.
Speaker 1:So in this case it gets more complex and he agreed to be there for her and she's coming to visit. That gets really messy because there's no separation, there's no boundaries, it doesn't allow you to process your emotions. And then when you see her and you have feelings and you actually want to be with her, it's driving you nuts and that's just you not respecting yourself, because if you truly value yourself and you respect yourself, no matter how much it hurts, because we're all human we're going to process our emotions it's going to hurt. Why would you leave that door open? Because and you know he did tell me like it's not, like they're going to talk every day, they'll talk once, you know, every couple of months, but like it is a little bit about how frequent they're communicating, right, but the bigger issue is that the door is open, like she has access to him whenever she wants to, and even if it's like half a year, right, it's the fact that the door is always open so she can choose to come in and out whenever she wants. And that's not fair, you know, like you're saying you don't want to be in a relationship with him and you still want that door open.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to tell you like there's so many people who are like this and there's just issues within themselves, because if you want a healthy relationship and you've already decided to move on with another man, you don't want anything to get in the way of building that relationship. You're having this person that you just got out of a relationship with. It doesn't matter if it's a situation ship or not. The fact that you got out of a relation with somebody else, bounce to a new person, because this all happened within three months of them not talking, she was already dating the guy for two months. So, like what, one month in, she started meeting somebody new. And I'm not saying it's like really bad, but we don't know really bad, but we don't know right, it took her a month to get over to him. Or maybe this new guy is a rebound, Don't know. But the issue is there's issues there because she's not resolving the problem and that door is still open and I know there's a lot of women who do do this.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to tell you, like you're not respecting your relationship with your next partner and I don't care what you say like you guys ended on good terms, whatever. This has nothing to do with jealousy or territorial energy. It's just the fact that you respect your new partner enough to not be involved with your past partner in any way. Now, that's not to say if you guys just broke things off and you guys went your separate ways and you guys met each other years later and you guys built a relationship or friendship. That's a little bit different because there was time that was allowed for each one of you to individually process and live through your life.
Speaker 1:By then, usually those feelings are gone and even if they're not, you can always love a person. But like so much time has passed, you don't generally pursue that, even if you still have feelings. But when it's this new, where you guys just ended the relationship and then you guys are still choosing to be friends, honestly I'm just seeing that nobody's respecting boundaries or respecting themselves. Because, even when it's on her end, if you truly love yourself and you have feelings for this person or maybe you don't the love you give yourself is the love that you can give other people. Whatever you do to yourself, you do to other people, whether you know it or not. So, when it comes to this stuff, if you want the cake and to eat it too, then there's an aspect of you that you're giving up for you to do that, because there's always a consequence for every action and consequences aren't always bad. You just got to look at it as there's always a follow through action for every action you do decide on.
Speaker 1:So the thing that I wanted to share with you guys is that he's, you know, sharing this whole story with me. He wants to pursue her, but he wants to respect her decision and wants to support her. And I'm gonna be straight up you cannot do both, because you're telling the universe you want one thing, but you're physically doing something else, and that's not the same. You can support somebody and not be in their life. In actuality, if you truly want to support her, you would actually close that door yourself because you want her to focus all of her energy on this new guy if you truly support her and I know a lot of times people don't think about this but if you look at it this way, when she has that open door to you because you don't want to let her go, because you have feelings and you're always available for her, when anything happens in that relationship, she's going to come to you and she's going to tell you everything and she's going to emotionally depend on you and you think like you're doing something and like when she's over and done with that guy, you're going to be an ex. Sometimes it's not going to be like that. Sometimes people just get comfortable knowing that you're around.
Speaker 1:And again it goes back to respect. Do you respect yourself to be treated in that manner? Being a sloppy second, like? Are you that type of person? And that was another thing I was asking him. Like who are you? Who do you want to be? What kind of man are you that type of person? And that was another thing I was asking him. Like, who are you? Who do you want to be? What kind of man are you? Because all of these things affect your decision whether you want to be with her or not, because right now you're running on high emotions, okay. And you know, let's be real, regardless of what kind of emotion good, bad, happy, mad, whatever when you're operating from emotion you're not thinking straight. You never make a good decision. And because it's still so fresh, he's thinking.
Speaker 1:And if you know anything about me, I've already said, in human design, you learn that every different part of your body, depending on what kind of authority you have, is the decision maker. Not your head, not your logic, and especially when it comes to feelings, you do not put logic and feelings, they don't make sense, they don't work out. So there's a lot of layers to this, but pretty much I was asking him like, what is it that you want? Because at the end of the day, you're an adult, you make your choices. No one's going to tell you what to do, and the people who are telling you what to do is because they're trying to control you or they think they're right. And then you're coming to me asking me for guidance. So I'm going to give you what I think about it, but, like, you don't need to take anything of what I'm saying Although I would hope that you do, because otherwise there's no point in you coming to me Because it's just like, why would you waste your time and my time to hear my side, only for you to not make any decision or like, do anything I've suggested, but anyways.
Speaker 1:So, going back to that, it went deeper. Because he's at an age where, like he should be thinking about settling down and you know that age looks different for everybody, but that's something he does want. He wants a family one day, he wants to settle down one day. And he realized, like he's not getting any younger, you one day. And he realized, like he's not getting any younger, you know, and it's not like he's that old, but like men they can get married at 60, right, but like it's just preference. So what is it that you want?
Speaker 1:And I was also saying, if it took for another man to be involved for you to realize you want to be with her, it could just be that you feel threatened, your primal instincts is kicking in and she may not be the best for you, but because you don't want anybody else to have her, you've decided you're going to be that person. Because here's the thing, those problems that you've had with her before. It's not going to be that person Because here's the thing, those problems that you've had with her before. It's not going to go away Once you decide that you want to be in a serious relationship with her. Now you actually need to do the things that you say you're going to do Because, like, otherwise it's not fair.
Speaker 1:And I want to say this it's like for everybody. It's not just I'm just addressing it as like the situation they're going through at hand, but this applies to everyone. If you're not going to show up for a person, but you want them because you can't stand the thought of somebody else having them and you don't do what you're going to do but you just wanted that person, that's really screwed up. That's really selfish. So, if you want somebody back and you realize that was a really good person, you shouldn't have lost them, and it took for that person to hit you in the head with that realization. And now you realize you need to change, because these are things that, like, you have to change long term.
Speaker 1:It's like a lifestyle change, because these are issues that have been around for a while. Right, if you have a fear of commitment, that's not like this one person has created that. It comes from years, it could come from childhood, it could come from your friendships, it could come from your relationships, it could come from anywhere, and you have to realize like now is the time you kind of have to work on that stuff Because even if things don't work out between you know this situation right now, the fact that you know you want to get married and settle down one day, these are issues gonna that's gonna come up because it's already happened in his previous relationship, it's happening in the current situation ship, if this pattern doesn't get broken by fixing what's really the issue, even if he does actually find the right one, because we don't know, you know we don't know as of right now he believes she's a really good one and he's willing to walk that marriage road with her, but now it's like it's not up to him because he lost that chance. Now I did say you know they need to talk it out in person and since she's coming to visit, that's like the best way. And here's the thing I told him telling and expressing how you feel is not the same as taking action on that.
Speaker 1:When you tell somebody how you feel, that's not for them to expect you to do anything. It's up to them what they want you to do, or maybe they don't want you to do anything, but you have every right to express your feelings. And you know some people would be like, well, they're in a relationship now, like she's moved on with a new guy. To me, dating and boyfriend, girlfriend is not the same, especially not two months in, because that's honeymoon stage. And that's not to say like you should just go and steal somebody from somebody else, because if they genuinely are serious about getting to know the other person, they would close all the doors with anybody else. And that's just a fact, because you don't want anything to take your attention away from this person you're trying to get to know and build a long-term relation with and if you do, you're just keeping your options open.
Speaker 1:And then at that point, like it doesn't really matter, no person is good enough for you because you aren't good enough for yourself. You haven't figured it out within yourself. So, like, no matter what and how many people, how many amazing people there are, it's never going to be enough for you because you haven't worked on the underlying problem which is within you and whatever that is. That's you know, between you and your personal life. Right, and they usually stems from childhood, parents, grade school, you know someone incident.
Speaker 1:It could be a lot of different things, but essentially the thing now is, because he's at a prime age of, like, really thinking about having to settle down and all of that, and that's something he really wants and it seems, as of right now, that's something he really wants and it seems, as of right now, that's something he wants with her, then these are things that you really have to think about, because long term, you know and he expressed some of his concerns about her behavior, her attitude and all that, fine, whatever, If all is said and done and that person doesn't change, is that something you're willing to accept and tolerate for the rest of your life? Because the divorce rate is like sky high right now. People are getting married for whatever reason, and I'm going to say this when you have issues with your partner, getting married isn't going to resolve the issue. What you're doing is brushing it under the rug and then a new joyous event happens and you guys forget about it, but then, when things settle down, those issues come back up. They don't go away and, in fact, when you get into a serious relationship or you actually get married, those situations blow out of proportion, because it's always the people closest to us that we tend to hurt because that's where we feel the most comfortable.
Speaker 1:So these are things that everyone needs to think about when it comes to big life decisions, and especially if you realize like you have fear, holding you back, and like this isn't just about you. Right, relationships isn't just about you. Yes, you should be thinking about what you need and what you're looking for, and there's no reason why that should be selfish. You shouldn't be a people pleaser when it comes to this stuff. It shouldn't be a compromise. But also know what you're asking for. Is it a lot? Is that something you really can pursue or have? Or you're just asking for it because it sounds nice and you're not willing to put in the work?
Speaker 1:Because, let's be real, if you want a high performing partner who's making a lot of money and you want to be the stay at home person to take care of the home, know that there's going to be a certain personality that comes with that. You know they're used to having things done their way. I'm not saying all of them are like this, but if you're a high performing person, you've built up discipline and certain expectations of yourself and you carry yourself a certain way for you to be at that level. If that's the type of person you want, then you need to realize there are certain things that come with that and if you can't accept these things, then you want them to change. On paper it sounds great, but really that's not your type of person.
Speaker 1:Because when you're in a relationship with somebody and you genuinely love them, there are going to be compromises that you're going to have to make. Then everybody got baggage, everybody got issues, everybody got things that like other people don't like, and that's just normal. How you make it work, what you're willing to tolerate, how you guys come to a conclusion together is what matters. And when there's no conclusion and you guys have exhausted all outcomes and tries to make it work and it just doesn't work, then it's fair to say it's not going to work and it just doesn't work. Then you know it's fair to say it's not going to work. But if you know you can't tolerate these things and you're still choosing to commit to them, best believe those issues aren't going to go away and they're only going to get bigger, and that's a really high cause for divorce.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying you know, one of the biggest things is that people don't communicate properly. Communication is part of how an argument gets to a solution, but anyways, I don't remember all of what I've shared with him. I have a really bad memory when it comes to this stuff, especially because I'm channeling all of these messages, but I just know like the key points is that he has to think for himself, to really understand what he wants and to let his emotions run the wave until he's not making a decision based off of his emotion. And what that means is if you're really busy and your brain is occupied and that person still comes up in your mind, that's your answer of saying, okay, this person is for me and I want to actually pursue this further.
Speaker 1:And, given this is just his side, if she says no to this, it doesn't matter what happens. He needs to accept that because that's respect and, like I said, he can do whatever he wants, but the doors need to be closed. If you keep that open, you say you're supporting her, but you don't really, because if you truly do and you want the best for her, then you're going to let her go. You're going to close that door for her, even if she doesn't want to, because you respect the relationship and you don't want her to stray towards another man when things don't go well, which is what usually happens when it comes to women. So, anyways, I'm just going to wrap it up here.
Speaker 1:I can't remember anything else, but I really wanted to share this story with you guys and just you know some of the things that I gave guidance to, to advise him on whatever he chooses to do. That's up to him and obviously I wish him the best in this situation and for those who are going through very similar situations or some things are overlapping with the story. I wish you guys the best as well and really to do that deep dive homework with knowing who you are, because when you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're looking for. And even if at the time you really like somebody, loving somebody, doesn't mean you have to commit to them. If things aren't going to work out in the long run and that's not to say you know, don't go and try and make it work, because you never know.
Speaker 1:But if you know yourself to know, like, there are just certain things that you're not willing to compromise on, but you choose to walk into this relationship anyway, what's the end goal? It's going to go into a breakup eventually, unless both of you guys are on the same terms of. That's just how it's going to be, and you guys are both okay with that. If you want to book a session with me, it's available on lifewithtiawolfcom, and these sessions go very much in depth with what's holding you back, what are issues that you really need to work through right now so that you can move on to the next part of your life and to go after the things that you really want. So that's it for today. Thank you for tuning in and listening to this, and I will catch you guys on my next episode.